Let’s face it. Your gardener wants to kill you. And you know why. You treat him like crap. You conveniently forgot his Christmas bonus this year. And he’s tired of your condescending tone every time you tell him to do something.

And, of course, those Trump MAGA 2016 and 2020 lawn signs aren’t helping either.

So you already know you deserve it. However, there are some things you can do to help with your survival rate. Just look for these five tell-tale signs, and you might survive.


1. Your gardener keeps mentioning how dead humans make the best fertilizer.

One of the first things you need to look out for is constant talk about any human fertilizer. Oh sure, at first, your gardener will talk about in his country, they use “night soils.” (google it.) At first, you’ll harken back to your upper-division anthropology class you were forced to take. You’ll remember how to be culturally sensitive to “how other, less fortunate people do things.” But that will be short-lived because, well, you’re paying him by the hour.

And of course, your gardener will get your paternal tone, because he’s not stupid and insensitive like you are. When you start to hear talk about human-based fertilizer, it’s time to look for a new gardener.


2. Cemeteries always have the best lawns, he says.

If you find that your gardener spends a lot of time talking about how great the lawn is at the Forrest View Cemetery, you might want to keep the lights on at night. He or she might ask casually, “have you ever noticed how green the grass is at the graveyard? I wonder how they do it?”

We have a tip for you: your gardener knows why. So if she keeps asking you about that trench you wanted for the backyard, make sure it’s the kind for irrigation and, well, you know.


3. He keeps saying things like, “Jeffrey Epstein loved roses too, you know.”

“Why your gardener knows about Jeffrey Epstein?” You ask yourself one day. “Does he watch television? Does he have a television?” Like most questions you ask yourself, the answer is buried somewhere within it.

Your gardener is trying to give you a hint. And that hint is he doesn’t like you. He REALLY doesn’t like you, and he has some plans for you.


4. He rests all your garden tools pointy side up.

At first, you think your gardener is organized. Albeit a little weirdly organized. And you think, “maybe he’s just putting all my sharp tools where I can easily find them.” Dear friend, you’ve never seen the Blair Witch Project, have you. You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, pardon the pun. You’ll see.


5. He tied all your hoses into nooses. Is that even legal?

 

Here’s one most people miss. And we can see why. Because most people aren’t paying attention. Take Mildred Hanson of Topeka, Kansas. Good-old Ms. Hanson as mean as they come. Children were scared of her. Dogs crossed to the other side of the street as they passed her house. And her gardener eventually killed her.

All of the signs were there for Mildred. The fertilizer, the graves, the roses, and even then pointy tools. But no. She didn’t think twice about it. For as well as being a bigoted, mean-spirited human, she also wasn’t very observant. Some said she was downright stupid.

So when her gardener hung all of her garden hoses in the shape of hanging nooses on the porch of her 1309 Bastille Way home, she thought it was some tribute to her father. Her father, who was the Grand Dragon of the local KKK in the 1930s and 40s.