Toothpaste is a daily essential for almost every single person on this planet. It whitens, brightens, cleans your teeth and tongue, but did you know it has many other uses? Well, one use it doesn’t have is preventing mass extinction. You know, that widespread and rapid decrease in the biodiversity on Earth?

Anyhow, here are nine toothpaste hacks that you can use in your everyday life that will do absolutely nothing to prevent a widescale death of Earth. Enjoy!

1. Rescue a scratched DVD or CD

So you’re one of those still collecting CDs and DVDs. Caught between the technologies, eh? Too old for streaming, but not hip enough to start collecting vinyl again? Well, don’t worry! If you get scratches in your fancy “laser” discs, you can rub them out with a little white toothpaste. Dab a little on the surface, and gently massage it into the scratches while not worrying about massive, civilization-ending fires in Australia caused by human-introduced climate change.

2. Revive white shoes

Who the heck wears white shoes anymore? I suppose if you’re playing the part of a nurse in a porn movie, you have to wear them. Anyhow, rub a little white toothpaste (don’t use ones with color or tinting in them you dummy!) and watch dirt and scratches disappear.


And while you’re at it, feel free to ignore the plight of indigenous Pacific Islanders who are losing their homes due to rising sea levels. And get this: it’s not even their fault!

3. Clean your bathroom sink

If you’re lazy like me, and I’m betting you are, who has time to find the Comet Cleanser? Heck, for all you know, the kids have eaten all of it in the latest Internet challenge. What’s a housekeeper to do to clean a snot and hair-filled bathroom sink? You guess it! Toothpaste. Use it in place of Comet or your favor, cheapo scrubbing cleaner you bought to save $.20.

While scrubbing, reflect on how American-style capitalism has flooded third world countries with cheap and non-biodegradable plastics, clogging their waterways and destroying fish and ocean habitats! Fun, right?

4. Whiten a keyboard

All those emails can make your computer keyboard pretty grimy over time. And let’s face it, you love forwarding conspiracy emails to your friends and family! If you have an Apple product or any other white keyboard, you can clean it using toothpaste. Disconnect it and apply a small glob of white toothpaste to a cloth and gently buff each key. Stubborn stains should lift, and your keyboard will appear brighter.

During your brightening, try not to think about how millions of Africans are being starved to death by drought caused by–wait for it–toothpaste. Just kidding, it’s humanmade climate change.

5. Clean piano keys

You don’t play the piano, let’s face it. The thought of playing one brings up all of your mommy issues. But fear not (you’re not afraid, are you?), clean them up with toothpaste and a damp brush. Wipe clean with a cloth for a sparkling new set.

This works on both ivory and plastic keys. Do you know what also might work? Million of metric tons of nuclear-charged water that might be released into the Pacific Ocean by the non-defunct Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant in Japan. Think of the hundreds of thousands of square miles of dead ocean. And your clean piano keys!

6. Make silver jewelry sparkle

Here’s one we’re sure you know. There’s no need to pay for expensive jewelry cleaning! Use a tiny amount of toothpaste on a toothbrush to buff clean your silver jewelry and diamonds gently. Rinse thoroughly after and wipe clean with a cloth. Works on all kinds of silver. But it doesn’t work on lithium batteries.

You know, the kind of batteries in your mobile phone and that fancy new Tesla you have? Batteries that come from lethal raw materials harvested by both prison and child labor in unregulated third world counties?