7 Last-Minute Gift Ideas for the Cult Member In Your Life

Can’t figure out what to buy that cult member? Gish Gallop’s got you covered.

Oregon House, CA — You know it’s coming to the end of the Christmas shopping season when you just can’t find that special gift for a friend or family member who’s involved in a cult. Oh sure, in the past you’ve sent fruit baskets and other non-confrontational items. Heck, you even sent that stainless steel nail clipper set to your son who you haven’t spoken to in over 5 years. You’re sure he needs them.

Well, as Christmas day approaches, we here at Gish Gallop know what it feels like to run out of ideas. In fact, we ran out of good ideas over 7 years ago and have resorted to stealing them from other publications. None the less, we wanted to give you some great book gift ideas that your trapped friend or family member will appreciate.


 

Why Does my Leader Drive a Rolls Royce?
And 27 Other Answers to Uncomfortable Questions

This seminal book by former Fellowship of Friends member Davis Johns answers many difficult questions that many cult members have. We know you’ve tried to ask them before, but that just meant another 8 service hours strapped onto your already 12-hour workday picking winery grapes. Some other questions Mr. Johns asks include “What to say if your guru says anal sex isn’t really sex?” and the provocative, “When is the right time to ask if you can call your children?”

 


 

The Felon’s Guide to Choosing the Right Cult for You (and avoiding police custody)

So you’re running from the law? Who hasn’t? In the Felon’s Guide, author James Hatterson talks about his journey from his 1st-degree murder in Philadelphia, to a Northern California commune/cult where he hid for over 4 years before the FBI found him. Although he is currently serving multiple life sentences in San Quentin, you’ll find his tips on avoiding law enforcement valuable.

 


 

15 Medications That Will Convince Yourself You’re Not in a Cult

OK, let’s be honest. All this hard work is not making you anymore “woke” like your Guru promised 5 years ago. 15 Medications is a short book, a novella really, which will help you pick out the right meds to forget that you ever made this horrible decision.

 


 

How To Talk to Your Guru About Sexual Assault

Here’s a book about a tricky topic. After 3 years of “super love” you’ve received from your brothers and sisters in your cult, your guru wants to have sex with you. Yeah, we know, you’ve sworn a celibacy vow. But all the leaders tell you it’s your duty to submit to your guru for a spiritual cleansing. How To Talk to Your Guru About Sexual Assault is an important handbook for discussing a touchy and potentially dangerous topic with your divine leader. Sure he’ll tell you he’s an angel trapped in a human body, and that he’s second only to Jesus Christ in holiness, but don’t let that stop you from asking the tough questions. This book will help.

 


 

Blogging For One, By Jeff Pelline

From the publisher: This one is more of a cry for help. If you’re feeling that no one likes you, and you want to reach out to the Internet for attention, nothing beats starting a blog. In this important and ground-breaking “how-to” book, Mr. Pelline documents the essential techniques of alienating everyone around you. In the spirit of other “For One” books like Microwave Cooking for One and Internet Dating for One, Mr. Pelline explores the delights of “Internet Bomb Throwing” and how you can use it to make yourself an isolated monster that would make Herman Melville blush.

 


 

A Practical Field Guide to Recruiting and Raping Young Cult Members

This book is certainly one your cult friend/family member will want to “re-gift” for their guru! In this book, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein documents his time-honored techniques on attracting young people and raping them. There is a whole chapter dedicated to luring young, lost men, and using them to fulfill your latent homosexual desires. A must for anyone suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder.

 


 

David Avocado Wolfe 2019 Chocolate Octave Calendar

Although not technically a book, the David Avocado Wolfe 2018 Chocolate Octave Calendar has over 12 months of spectacular photos of your favorite anti-gravity expert David Avocado Wolfe! Each month features our hero doing something with cacao. For example in March, you’ll find David showing you how to shove cacao seeds up your ass. Don’t look too close! And in June, you’ll find him defending his luxurious Hawaii estate from “negative-vibe shill invaders” with his own, patented “cacao seed” gun.

All books are available on Amazon.

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