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The United States government has built the largest and first nuclear powered sexual aid to combat terrorism.

United States Government Builds Largest Sexual Aid

In a joint partnership between Huntington Ingalls, General Dynamics and the popular adult products store Adam & Eve, the United State Government has built the world's largest sex toy.
Rudy Giuliani tried to clarify previous statements about Hillary Clinton's medical condition.

Giuliani: Hillary Clinton Has Worms

Former New York mayor and presidential candidate, Rudy Giuliani clarified his statements about Hillary Clinton's medical condition today.
If you are having trouble gathering the courage to do this, ask a friend for help.

How To Ripen an Avocado By Shoving It Up Your Ass, by Loretta Splittair

If you have a love/hate relationship with avocados like I do, stick around. I have a tip that will not only help you with unripe avocados, but also make you the talk of the dinner table, of your asshole friends on Facebook or whatever.

Republicans Adamant Obama Has Nothing/Everything to Do with Unemployment

The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) today released the latest figures on job growth, reporting a slight drop in unemployment. This left the official number at 4.9%, prompting leading Republicans to scramble for ways to shit on President Obama.

U.N. Security Council Meets To Discuss U.S. WMD’s Falling Into The Wrong Hands This...

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- An emergency meeting of the U.N. Security Council was convened late Tuesday night. The subject at hand was the possibility of America's weapons of mass destruction "falling into the...
Alt-Right mascot Pepe the Frog was accidentally sautéed and eaten at a local restaurant.

Alt-Right Mascot, Pepe the Frog, Accidentally Eaten at Area Cafe

Pepe the Frog, beloved mascot of the alt-right movement, was inadvertently sauteed and consumed at Ike's Quarter Cafe in Nevada City yesterday afternoon. Pepe, whose avatar is used by many commenters on 4chan, Reddit, and Breitbart News, was sitting in the outdoor terraced dining area when he was approached by the busser, Tyler "Earbud" Fulcrum.
Bill Clinton pictured here hours before his apparent suicide.

Breaking News: Bill Clinton Dead Of Apparent Suicide

A maid for the hotel discovered President Clinton at 12:05pm this afternoon, hanging from a sheet tied around the rooms sprinkler nozzle.
Starbucks is experimenting with a new colonic.

Starbucks Brewing Up New Coffee Colonic Service

In a bid to stay relevant and to "keep ahead of the competitive coffee curve," Starbucksâ„¢ Corporation announced this week that it plans to augment its extensive line of coffee, teas and snacks with a new colonic/enema health care option.
Tim Savini of Oceanside, was described by his friends as being kind of temperamental

A California Man Commits Suicide During Karaoke Night

Tragedy struck earlier this week when a man took his own life in a local bar. Oceanside, California's Fremont Bar and Grill was having it's Saturday karaoke with it's usual mix of locals and Japanese tourists.

Chemtrail Storage Facility Discovered at Nevada County Airport

An anonymous man has come forward with pictures of a top secret Chemtrail storage facility at the Nevada County Air Park in Grass Valley, CA.
Cab drivers everywhere are suffering from what's called "the Uber effect."

Angry Cab Driver Attacks Uber Customer With Smart Phone

A Philadelphia cab driver has been released on $10,000 bail after he was accused of attacking an Uber customer with his smart phone late last week.
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