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Mattel Scraps Plans for Seeking Arrangement Barbie

Mattelâ„¢ Corporation announced this week that they were scrapping plans for a new "Seeking Arrangement Barbie" who uses her ravishing good looks and high sexual availability to attract the financial lavishments and amorous attentions of fiscally secure older men.

Area Man Uses Tub Hair to Create Roommate Friendship Bracelets

Area Millennial Scott Foresight has grown tired of his sloppy and inconsiderate roommates, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. On Thursday, after removing his two roommates body hair from the shower drain, Mr. Foresight created "Friendship" bracelets for them.

Gish Gallop on the Street: What Does Oriental Taste Like?

Gish Gallop was curious on what "Oriental" Top Ramen tasted like. So we asked a few grocery store customers for their opinion on this popular flavor.
Bill Clinton made an impromptu visit with Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

Bill Clinton Pops Into TrumpForce One In Florida

Former president Bill Clinton is getting to be a regular on the celebrity jet-way pop-in circuit. This afternoon, Mr. Clinton found his private jet on the same tarmac as Donald Trump's TrumpForce One, and popped in to spend a few minutes with King Cheeto.
Area musician David Robock draws deep inspiration from chemtrails.

Area Musician Draws Inspiration from Chemtrails

Area musician David Robock used to cite an eclectic mix of influences while he was still cutting his teeth on the local club circuit. Bands like Megadeth, Smashing Pumpkins, and solo artists like Prince and Merle Haggard were a constant source of inspiration.

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.
Jason Dant of Penn Valley, CA claims he single-handedly stopped Jade Helm.

Area Man Thwarts Operation Jade-Helm with Internet Comments

Local survivalist and gun store clerk Jason Dant was shocked when he awoke to a peaceful morning. He realized that something must have occurred to stop, or at least delay, the hostile government takeover. He headed to his local library to search for answers on the Internet.
An artist's rendition of the proposed Tuskegee, AL Resort and Casino

Native Americans to Build African-American Tuskegee Casino

Native Americans and African-Americans are joining forces to create the Nation's first African-American Casino in Tuskegee, Alabama. As first of its kind, it will be built and managed by United Auburn Indian Community, a Native American tribe consisting of mostly Miwuk and Maidu Indians indigenous to the Sacramento Valley region.

Facebook Testing Sarcasm Font

Facebook announced today that it will be introducing a sarcasm font that can be used for passive-aggressive purposed on the popular social media platform. The font, which will be available from a drop-down menu, will feature the the default Facebook typeface but in reverse-left italics to indicate sarcasm.
Hillary Clinton is indeed the Anti-Christ, according to Mormon elders.

Mormons Tout Hillary Clinton As Anti-Christ

Flanked by the rest of the Mormon leadership, the president of the church, Thomas Monson announced that Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is indeed the Anti-Christ.
Parking Meter Attendant Richard Craneum

Area Parking Meter Reader Says Job Fulfilling and Rewarding

If you live in or visit Nevada City chances are you will see Richard Craneum patrolling the streets of the downtown historical district. Craneum has been the city's sole parking meter reader for the last 8 years.
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