Washington D.C. — After almost a two-week drinking binge, President Trump and his chief advisor Steve Bannon have finally decided to get to the business of the country. Both men have been drinking heavily since the inauguration on January 20th.
“It’s time to start getting to the real serious shit,” said a still-inebriated Steve Bannon in an early morning interview with FoxNews’ morning show Fox and Friends. “Both the Trumpster and myself have been writing a lot. And by a lot I mean a lot. Executive orders and shit. Anyways, starting today, we’re gonna start doing some real government crap.”
The news that President Trump and Steve Bannon have been ostensibly drunk for the past two weeks comes as a shock to their supporters, but not their detractors.
“Well this explains a lot,” said sophomore UC Berkeley Sociology major Jess Middleton. “These pigs are not only drunk with authoritarian power, they were actually really drunk. What a bunch of dicks.”
According to White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, aids close to both men where aware of their drinking, but kept it from the public until Mr. Bannon’s behavior on FoxNews forced them to go public.
“Look, it’s not something you just talk about in the open,” said a nervous Mr. Spicer fielding questions from ABC news. “It’s like in your family. It’s not like you advertise this kind of behavior or anything. Besides, President Trump made a big point on the campaign trail to denounce alcohol consumption. So something like this out in the open is not good.”
When asked if President Trump and Steve Bannon plan on drinking more in the future, Mr. Spicer bristled.
“Look, it was just a little celebrating that got out of control. So they wrote a few executive orders and some people got angry. Typical partying stuff right? They’re going to get down to business starting tomorrow and no more drinking.”
It is unclear at the time of this writing what the pair enjoyed drinking, but White House insiders say both had a fondness for 40oz Malt Liquor saying it “allowed them to connect with their people.”