Alex Jones Sues His Own Quotes

Alex Jones says he plans on suing Alex Jones' quotes.
Alex Jones says he plans on suing Alex Jones’ quotes.

Austin, TX — Conspiracy theorist and chili aficionado Alex Jones announced this week that he plans on suing his own quotes. Early this week, Greek yogurt giant Chobani filed a lawsuit against the right-wing radio host, accusing him  of publishing false information about the company. Not wasting any time, Mr. Jones threatened a counter lawsuit against Chobani in an impromptu and bat shit crazy press conference following his acrimonious custody hearing in Texas. But it’s what he said after a spiddle-filled rant that shocked even close followers of the alt-right icon.

“We all know the lying media wants to take down Alex Jones,” said Mr. Jones speaking of himself in the third person as if he wasn’t present. “And I’ll tell who you else is trying to take Alex Jones down. Alex Jones’ quotes, that’s who. So my team of crack lawyers plans on filing a motion this coming week to sue his quotes and keep them from libeling and slandering him.”

The Chobani’s complaint says his InfoWars.com website released a video on April 11, 2016 describing the company’s practice of hiring refugees and a sexual assault case that did not involve the yogurt company. During the video, an Info Wars reporter republished statements that claimed the Chobani plant brought crime and tuberculosis since it opened the plant five years ago while also pointing out earlier reports of its willingness to hire refugees in Twin Falls.

“Isn’t it clear,” continued Mr. Jones waving his arms in a somewhat over-the-top windmill fashion, “we would even be talking about this if Alex Jones hadn’t said these things about some yogurt company. But I bet you mainstream globalist media liars will eat this up. Well I’m telling you now,” said Mr. Jones raising his voice and pointing indiscriminately at a random television crew, “I’m coming for you.”

The video was promoted using the headline “Idaho Yogurt Maker Caught Importing Migrant Rapists,” even though the lawsuit points out that InfoWars didn’t mention or prove that statement in the report. The story was tweeted out by Jones and other outlets.

According to Mr. Jones’ lawyer, all this talk of suing himself is simply “an act,” saying “he’s playing a character. He is a performance artist,” and he has no plans nor any legal standing to sue himself.

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