Seattle, WA — Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has been making moves to expand his empire today. This week, Amazon announced its $13.7 billion bid for retailer Whole Foods. But in a surprise move that caught investors entirely off guard, Amazon announced a $3.4 billion bid to buy online adult content provider Pornhub.com.

Pornhub, the number one adult video site in the world, has managed to pull itself up and separate itself from all of the other “porn tubes.” Its use of targeted adult ads has added a steady revenue stream that has earned the owner Mindgeek a healthy profit.

Jeff Bezos spoke with Gish Gallop during a press conference at Amazon HQ.

“Who wouldn’t want Pornhub, they had over 78 billion views last year”, said Bezos. “Our thought process is clear, and I want every guy about to choke his chicken to see an ad for a Fleshlight from Amazon. I want Amazon associated with erections. And we are excited about adding Pornhub’s content to our Prime Instant Video offering. Content is king, and porn is the Internet’s number one form of content.”

Mr. Bezos does have a valid point; sex sells. The online porn industry earned over $1 billion last year. It will be a valuable addition to any portfolio. Pornhub user “Geno,” spoke to Gish Gallop about the potential Amazon takeover.

“I think it is great, and I spend at least 6 hours a day jerk…I mean online surfing. This will free up time for me,” said “Geno.” “I can browse cookware while watching a hot girl hula-hoop while getting nailed, what’s not to love?”

The sale has yet to be confirmed, and it is only an offer at this point. We will report more as the story unfolds.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.