Clark, NV — Representatives for the online retail giant Amazon.com received word from several states and the federal government that the popular Fleshlight male sex toy is now an “essential service.”

“We’ve been working with FEMA and the CDC for almost three weeks to push this through,” said Amazon.com spokesperson Bethany Millbright attempting to not mention the word ‘Fleshlight’ to the assembled press corps. “What we do here at Amazon is listen to the immediate needs and concerns we receive in product comment sections. And we respond to that community we serve and try to fulfill those needs immediately to help everybody get through this difficult time together.”

According to a brief released today by FEMA, after days of deliberation, the disaster agency voted 9 to 1 in favor of expediting Fleshlights to Amazon fulfillment centers. The voting FEMA board consisted of nine men and one woman

“We do here at Amazon listen to the immediate needs and concerns we receive in the feedback and the community we serve, and we try to serve those needs immediately to help everybody get through this difficult time together.”


Several Amazon self-proclaimed power-shoppers took to social media to praise the government’s actions. One woman, 56-year-old Mildred Hamilton of Shawnee, Kansas, was thrilled about the announcement.

“We ain’t had no sex in probably 15 years, and I ain’t about to start now,” said Ms. Hamilton in a Facebook post. “Even though he keeps hinting at it like it’s something we should do. I got him a triple pack of Prime Fleshlights to keep his fat hairy belly off my back. In fact, and don’t tell Jim this, I got it on an automatic ‘Subscribe and Save’ setting. They’re sending me a new pack every three weeks.”

Amazon.com says that stocks are low and the moment, and wants its customers to know that the warehouse staff is working overtime to fill backorders.