Grass Valley, CA — (A SPECIAL REPORT FILED BY ROBERT FISCHER) Choosing Pro or Anti-Genetically Modified Organisms or GMOs has been the source of much debate in recent years in Nevada County. This debate has spread to retail establishments frequented by most Americans. Along with mobile phone providers. Enter Grass Valley’s Brunswick basin, the once flourishing Lake Olympia (if that’s what they call a mosquito infested sewage pit) now filled with freeway exits, fast food chains, 7 drugstores, Grocery Outlet and of course, no cell phone reception for Verizon, the county’s largest mobile phone provider.
For years Verizon has offered the people of Nevada County a litany of excuses: it’s the poor quality towers on Banner Mountain; the Flour Garden’s free WiFi interferes with cell phone service; Verizon’s regional manager is out to punish his mouthy teenager who works Port of Subs. And many more. Regardless of the excuse, many locals are familiar with the “No Service” icon on their Smartphones when seeking relief for “the munchies.”
Here in Gish Gallop Conspiracy Investigative Department or SCID, we have a better theory: an anti-GMO movement. That’s right, Verizon is anti-GMO in areas where their customer base is largely Liberal, Free and sorta batshit crazy. And Verizon is hoping that you don’t notice. But do they really care?
We went to talk to Verizon Wireless at the New York City headquarters about this. At first thought they ignored us and called security to have us removed from the building. Thinking quickly, I pulled out my bullhorn, Michael Moore-style and informed the lobby that “Gish Gallop was here, and we’re not leaving until we get some answers.”
Almost immediately, the security guards stood down and we were told to have a seat. After a few minutes, a lone, mousy-looking young woman emerged from the elevator and escorted us to a conference room on the first floor.
“We are well aware of Grass Valley’s Brunswick Basin ‘blackout zone’,” said an annoyed Jessica Dobbins, Director of Verizon Marketing communications. “Our stance on GMO’s raised a strong concern in the battle for customer relations. In fear of losing customers on the GMO movement we are experimenting with service signal blocking in certain rural “hippie” cultured areas.” She glanced around making sure nobody was in earshot of this rich information. “Our focus is mainly populated areas full of Pro-GMO establishments like Grocery Outlets, McDonald’s and anywhere that sells Kraft products”.
You heard it folks. Verizon is Anti GMO. When we asked some locals their thoughts on the cell phone service phenomenon there was many conspiracies on the matter.
Area part-time musician, Sierra Super Stop stock boy and “farmer” Moonash of Alleghany, CA stopped for comment while getting a burner phone from Radio Shack.
“I don’t know man all these good people around here think there is an Alien Conspiracy where a UFO is taking all of our service in the area to communicate with its mother-ship,” said a somewhat distracted Moonash who just noticed mid-conversation that his burner phone required some setup. After a 34 second pause, Moonash eventually continued. “All I know is it really hinders my business when I have to meet clients in Brunswick, I usually just meet them at Jack in Box since it’s the end result needed for use of my product”.
After I had finished up with Moonash, a frantic Jango “William” Fett of Cedar Ridge, CA rushed up to my Geo Metro parked in front of Round Table Pizza to tell me something important. I initially thought he was trying to rob me, but instead he just wanted to get something off his mind.
“I’m not sure if I should be telling you this, A recent ‘client’ of mine was using his Verizon iPhone while we were over in Save Mart.” After a momentary pause to collect his breath, he continued. “I’m fairly certain that Apple is field-testing its software where it will be the ‘only’ phone that ever works. You know what this means, don’t you? Not only more sales but eventually world domination by robots. They’ll call them iRobots or something equally terrifying.”
Robots, folks. This world is going to end with a downpour of GMO altered alien robots.