Eureka, CA — Humboldt County Sheriff Willy Honsal assured his frightened constituency Wednesday morning that his deputies are armed and ready to resist the astronauts of ANTIFA Space Force when they descend upon our quiet country town for Independence Day.
Honsal was “researching” conspiracy theories and other forms of conservative erotica on Youtube Tuesday evening when he discovered video evidence of a conspiracy to surveil and possibly even invade the California coast.
The space-bound leftists were reportedly visiting San Francisco on a classified mission to save some kind of whale — and with Humboldt County, just six hours up the coast Billy said area residents must remain vigilant against extraterrestrial agitators.
Billy had been busy building a navy for his posse this week to hunt down the dreaded ANTIFA submarine, rumored to be carrying narcotics, immigrants with COVID-19 and communism-based facial recognition equipment to help in their efforts to persecute area Christians — other white people who refuse to wear masks in public — but he’s never too busy for research.
According to sheriff’s spokesman Samantha Karges, accountants in the department are negotiating with a mysterious extra-planetary military contractor known only as Khan to provide supplemental security services for the holiday weekend. Khan is rumored to have a history of clashing with Space Antifa going all the way back the Star Seed incident in 1967, and Sheriff Billy is confident that Khan can ensure the safety of area residents while they celebrate their freedoms this weekend.
Residents are advised to wear masks, however, due to confirmed law enforcement reports that Antifa Space Force will be utilizing aerial surveillance satellite footage alongside stolen facial recognition software to identify and doxx Humboldt County, plague patriots.
“WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!!” Honsal tweeted in all caps from the bathtub Tuesday morning. “SpAcE aNtIfA is watching us!”
Karges declined to comment on why or how Honsal was allowed to access the department’s official Twitter account but did acknowledge that the incident was under review and changes to the Sheriff’s social media policy would be forthcoming.