Apple To Replace Siri With Jeff Goldblum

After several months of research, Apple Corporation has decided to replace Siri with Jeff Goldblum.
After several months of research, Apple Corporation has decided to replace Siri with Jeff Goldblum.

Cupertino, CA — Apple corporation announced today that it is replacing its popular virtual assistant Siri with Jeff Goldblum. Siri was released as an app for iOS in February 2010, and it was acquired by Apple two months later. Siri was then integrated into iPhone 4S at its release in October 2011. This is the first major change to Apple’s Artificial Intelligence strategy in over 10 years.

“We are excited about this bold and important change to the Apple ecosystem,” said Apple director of communications Bethany Millbright in an early morning conference call. “We’ve listened to our customers and they have spoken: they want something new. We partnered up with the research firm Rundex Family Foundation who surveyed over 15,000 users and over 60% of those who participated said they wanted Jeff Goldblum to be their personal assistant.”

Apple has come under fire recently being accused of a lack of innovation when it comes to Siri. Many critics including The Verge‘s Sean O’Kane complained that personal assistant was essentially useless because it more than often doesn’t recognize the user’s voice, and when it did, it often gave incorrect advice and directions.

According to engineering in Cupertino, CA company, they’re abandoning the entire Siri framework and replacing it with a facsimile of Jeff Goldblum who famously led Apple’s comeback marketing campaign in the late 1990s. In its replacement, Apple users will get to interact with a near real-time version of the popular actor who has gained notoriety with Millennials largely through Internet memes and the odd and popular Facebook page entitled “The Same Picture of Jeff Goldblum Every Day” which has over 29 million followers, almost as many as President Donald Trump.

However, Mr. Goldblum’s public relations contact Debbie Masterhead said the Jurassic Park star has not been contacted by Apple and is unaware that he will be replacing Siri.

“Mr. Goldblum is a huge fan of Apple products and is proud of his earlier relationship with the innovative company,” commented Ms. Masterhead. “At this time, however, he knows nothing about this project but is willing to discuss the opportunity further.”

Apple engineering hopes to have Mr. Goldblum in place by Christmas of this year.

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