Cairo, Egypt– News from Cairo, Egypt has reported that a hidden Nazi compound was allegedly infiltrated by a university professor from the University of California, Los Angeles. The report states that the professor murdered each and every Nazi soldier on site using a combination of guns, stolen weapons, and his own personal whipping device for when his students get out of line. The Egyptian government, while thankful that a convenient third-party uncovered and removed a Nazi regime from their country wasn’t happy about the mess they had to clean up.
The report listed the known damages to private property such as various vehicles, airplanes, and defaced historical monuments. According to a local who claimed to see, “the crazy white man with the whip” and was seen with a young boy following him around everywhere the professor went, generally doing nothing but making the man’s life more difficult for no reason which technically counts as gross child endangerment considering the professor went and murdered a bunch of Nazis later that day.
While condemning the crimes, the report states that the alleged archaeologist found property belonging to the museums and monuments local to Cairo which was requisitioned by the Egyptian government for proper placement. The Nazi soldiers were stealing art and artifacts from around the city, for what reason remains unknown still. What’s most disturbing about the report was an attached image of one of the corpses on the scene. It appeared that his face had been scorched to the point of being totally unrecognizable.
President Trump on Twitter condemned the Mystery Archaeologist, claiming that he was no hero for breaking the law, and he didn’t have his permit to murder Nazis in a foreign country. That the violence was unacceptable on his part as well as the Nazi soldiers in Cairo.
The United Nations, and the U.S. Supreme Court, upon receiving the evidence of these international crimes committed stated: “Without knowing exactly who performed these acts and murdered these white supremacists hiding in a foreign nation we cannot subpoena any witnesses, or create a case against him. We will go on the record to state though, that if this man -no, more like a hero- if brought forward will receive a full pardon from the U.S. Justice System for their acts of bravery in the face of fascism.”
As of yet, no one has come forward to claim responsibility for these actions.