Area 22 Year Old to Fix his “Sleeping in to 2 pm Problem” by Waking Up at 1:30 pm

Area 22 year old John Scott has vowed to get up as much as 30 minutes earlier in attempts to appease his angry parents.
Area 22-year-old John Scott has vowed to get up as much as 30 minutes earlier in attempts to appease his angry parents.

Grass Valley, CA — An area man has decided to get his life in order after his mother threatened to kick him out. Occasional part-time working, and 2014 Nevada Union High School graduate, John Scott of Grass Valley, has decided to make the life-changing move of waking up at 1:30 pm instead of his usual time of 2:00 pm.

“I’ve been doing this since I graduated from Nevada Union,” said a drowsy Mr. Scott at approximately 1:45 pm on Thursday. “She [mom] was yelling at me again last night to get a job and other shit. Which really pissed me off because I was really getting some serious action with my Overwatch friends. She was like, ‘take your god-damned headphones off when I’m speaking to you.’ And I was like, ‘whoa Mom, why are you so agro and stuff.’ ”

Since graduating from High School, Mr. Scott has held a variety of part-time jobs, most of which he was fired from for various reasons. Upon his 18th birthday, his parents told him he needed to find full-time work and attend a school of some sort, which the usually clever Scott has done in one way or another. However, his mother has reached her tipping point in the past month.

“He’s really just gaming us,” said Kathy Scott, John’s mother. “He’ll start a job or school, and then just quit. He always seems to find a reason. I was hoping that he’d find a girlfriend, but he seems to like his video games more than everything else. But now It’s the final straw. He stays up all night long and then wakes up sometime in the afternoon. I’m done with this. I feel like a horrible mother, but I’m afraid he’ll never leave.”

To John’s credit, he seems to realize there’s a growing problem in the Scott household, although it’s unclear if he understands the scope of the issues.

“Dad’s starting to be a total dick, and my mom doesn’t make me lunch anymore,” continued Mr. Scott. “Dad’s always like, ‘when I was your age, I already had a degree and was interning at Honeywell.’ Blaw, blaw, blaw. Well, I don’t want to do any of that stuff. I’m young and I don’t want to waste this good time of my life doing boring shit, you know? Hourly wages are hella lame. Right? I’m better than that, so I’m holding out.”

For their part, David and Kathy Scott understand that they are as much of the problem as their stay-at-home adult child is.

“For a large part, we’ve enabled this behavior,” said the elder Scott whilst speaking with Gish Gallop over a telephone interview. “He graduated at a time when things weren’t great. And we all watched kids older than him racking up student debt. But he’s allowed all these things to impede him, you know? They’re excuses for him to play video games.”

As for his plans, the younger Scott doesn’t have any big plans, but he knows he might have to act soon when his parents’ patience runs out.

“Mom and Dad are really angry with me now, which is why I stay awake when they’re not,” said a slightly smug John. “I mean, they can’t yell at me when they’re sleeping. And I gotta be honest, girls are just too expensive for my income. Plus, I don’t want to get anywhere near this sexual harassment stuff. I’m just waiting for the sexbots to get better.”

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