Lake of the Pines, CA — Just two days after Governor Jerry Brown signed “Right To Die” legislation, the board of directors of the Lake of the Pines gated community in southern Nevada County authorized and implemented their own assisted suicide team. A ranking board member, who wished to remain anonymous, told us that the board of directors had been kicking this idea around for quite some time in the hopes that their dream would someday become a reality through legislation.
“Here at Lake of the Pines, we have a serious problem with the elderly,” said the shadowy board member. “These prunesters run the community with old thinking, old ideas, old smells, and really old music! They create problems when we try to upgrade the community. They raise hell when a neighbor wants a new dock or a new gazebo, or gawd forbid, a fence. Lake of the Pines is taking advantage of this opportunity to get “out with the old and in with the new”.
Dr. James Redrum, the head of LOPAST (Lake of the Pines Assisted Suicide Team), assured us that they are a kinder, gentler form of death monger than we have seen in the past.
“We are here to ease the geriatric portion of our community into the great beyond,” said Dr. Redrum, while having lunch on the clubhouse deck. “We have a great time. It’s a party,” he said.
When asked about the method for easing people beyond, he filled us in on the mode of departure.
“We plan a party for the individual or individuals and invite friends and family to join in the celebration at the new and wondrous clubhouse. Everyone has a great time socializing and dancing. The drinks have all been spiked with everything from Quaaludes, Rohypnol, to Ketamine. Once the guests are bonkers, we administer a lovely slice of cake to each person making the trip to heaven. Of course, the cake is heavily laced with Secobarbitol and Pentobarbitol. Then everyone falls gently to sleep, and when they awake, it’s time to plan the wake,” Dr. Redrum said with a big smile.
When asked if there was a Soylent connection, Dr. Redrum quickly ordered us a round of drinks. “LOPAST will be a bright spot for the future of this community,” he assured us. When pressed for his credentials, Dr. Redrum had to leave abruptly to take an important call. Further investigation into Dr. Redrum’s background revealed that he has an honorary PhD from John Hopkins University, in Maryland where he earned a bachelor’s degree in something called “The Science of Harry Potter.”
Beatrice Scarpelli, 90 and a 45 year resident at the lake told us, “this program is just another flash in the pan at Lake of the Pines. These young whippersnappers come in every year with some harebrained idea or another that fizzles out real quick.” She had quite a bit to say about how the community board has never followed through on anything in the 45 years she has lived there. Then she told us that the community was throwing her an 90th birthday party at the clubhouse on Saturday and asked us if we would like to come.