Nevada City, CA — An area guinea pig has found peace and self-actualization after his 11-year old owner Stephanie Jameson accidentally gave the creature a double amount of timothy hay earlier this week. Chewy-Dewey, the name of 2-year-old “American” breed guinea pig who is now resting in a higher plane, spent over 6 hours eating his way through a large pile of hay, occasionally stopping to poop in it. “Chewy” apparently has been content to not involve himself in any of the vulgar and despicable political discourse that is rapidly contributing to the decline of western liberal democracies.
“Chewy is happy,” said Miss Jameson as she held the animal for this interview. “All he cares about is his hay and carrots. When I pick him up, he gets kinda scared like I’m going to eat him. But I tell him, ‘no baby, I’m just going to snuggle you. I’m not an Eagle or Dad or anything like that.’ He’s so cute. I love him so much.”
Sources close to the Jameson family said they purchased the auburn-colored guinea pig for their daughter to “teach her some responsibility and skills.” So far, the young Jameson has stepped up to the challenge.
“I have to clean the cage every week,” continued Miss Jameson, “and I have to feed him everyday. I also tell him not to worry about the coming end times as Dad keeps saying. Like, I’ll take care of him no matter what. I tell Chewy that Dad’s just joking about how he’s food if Trump continues like he does. But he doesn’t seem to care as long as there’s plenty of hay. And carrots of course!”
According to Stephanie’s Father Jason Jameson, he wanted to have chickens and other things “the family could survive on” if Donald Trump got elected, but they’re not zoned for agriculture and his neighbors are “assholes.”
“If we lived in town, we could have chickens and such,” said an agitated Mr. Jameson. “But we’re not zoned for ‘ag [agriculture] and we have to keep everything on the ‘down for the pending apocalypse. If I had goats or whatever, my neighbors would rat me out to the county. So I’ve freeze-dried food for years and I got a gun safe. That’s all I’m going to say about that.”
As for the young Miss Jameson, she seems unphased by her father’s paranoia.
“Chewy is just so content,” continued the young Miss Jameson. “I’m so happy he’s happy. Mom says he’s living in the moment. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds fun.”