Pensacola, FL — A Florida gym teacher is on administrative leave after farting “in the general direction” of a Pensacola High School Junior earlier this week. Davis Allen Darden, 38, has taught at the school for nearly 15 years and has deliberately denied passing gas on 16-year-old Graham Briton’s face during a routine “wrestling demonstration session.”
“I saw the whole thing,” said fellow junior Robin Minstrel. “Mr. Darden is pretty rough on us all the time, and Grammy [Graham Briton] is a real smart ass. So I think Mr. Darden just wanted him to teach him a lesson or something like that.”
Pensacola High principal James Knight Ni, a 20 year veteran of the school, said in his report to the police that Mr. Darden didn’t intentionally “let one slip out” as he pinned the young Briton to the gym mat. However other witnesses say the 16-year-old repeatedly taunted the gym teacher in numerous ways including making raspberry noises with his mouth, and threatening to fling livestock into his Castlerock Drive yard.
“Yeah, Grammy doesn’t know when to stop. But when he told Mr. Darden that his wife smelt of Elderberries, that’s when he had it,” continued Ms. Minstrel.
It was that point, according to the police report which was filed early this morning, that Darden flipped the scrawny Briton onto his stomach and, “let one rip” so loud that it echoed all the way around the newly renovated multi-purpose gymnasium.
It Shook the Gym
“You could have heard a pin drop,” said senior Ariel Zoot who watched in horror as Darden released his stench into the arena. “It was certainly juicy. And long too. But it was the smell. I bet he was brewing that one up since last night.”
Mr. Darden was released without bond and according to his lawyer, he plans on fighting the charges.
“Mr. Darden is completely innocent of these charges,” said his attorney Bethany Millbright who has represented others in the area under similar charges. “Although Mr. Darden doesn’t deny accidentally passing gas, he rigorously denies deliberately doing it. Accidents happen.”
Darden is scheduled to appear in court next week to enter a plea.