Grass Valley, CA — Local man Jesse Morgan briefly terrorized local Save Mart patrons this week after he accidentally brought an axe into the popular grocery store. According to sources running from the store, Mr. Morgan didn’t go on a murderous rampage through the grocery store, but rather was walking around the aisles with a young boy holding what appeared to be a 6 to 8 lb. axe.
“Everyone was kinda scared, ” commented Brian Petersen of Penn Valley. “I mean, who the hell does that? Hasn’t this guy seen horror and these zombie apocalypse movies?”
According to Mr. Morgan, he had recently purchased the axe at the local B & C True Value Hardware store located adjacent to Save Mart, and rather than placing the axe in his car prior to entering the store, he just carried it in with him.
“I didn’t think much of it,” said a somewhat befuddled Mr. Morgan. “I was just walking through the store with my boy looking for a bag of cat litter. I suppose my playfulness with it was a little inappropriate, but I had no idea I was scaring anyone.”
According to an anonymous clerk, Mr. Morgan really started to frighten store patrons and staff when he pretended to attack the large packages of toilet paper in the bulk foods area of the store. Some store customers were seen running from the building.
“I mean, everyone was a little on edge with this big guy walking around the store,” said Janet Williams of Cedar Ridge. “But I came around the corner and there was this burly guy with what I’m assuming was his son. He was attacking the paper products with this battle-axe. Some people ran out, but I was like, ‘What the hell?'”
When asked if he would ever bring other threatening items into a local store again, Mr. Morgan was somewhat defiant.
“I think everyone is a little too jumpy these days,” said Mr. Morgan. “I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was carrying around an axe I was gonna use for splitting some wood on my property. The power goes out here in the winter, and I just want to be ready. People need to lighten up a bit. What happened to the Grass Valley I once knew?”