Grass Valley, CA — A long-time area resident Gene Holman announced late Friday afternoon that he plans to have a serious argument with a fire hydrant which has been “doing him wrong” for the past 3 years.
Mr. Holman set up a folding metal chair and began his press conference by addressing passing cars on the corner of Brunswick Road and Sutton Way at approximately 3:14 PM.
“At exactly 11:32 AM on Monday,” shouted a somewhat disheveled Mr. Holman as he waved his arms in somewhat wild abandon, “I will start my hydrant march on the steps of Safeway, and proceed to the corner and then onto the Highway overpass where I will let the world know about the evils of this hydrant. The screaming will be broken up by a 15-minute fit of rigid catatonia, most likely in the afternoon.”
The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development’s Homeless Assessment Report estimated that 1.56 million people, or one in every 200 Americans, experienced homelessness and found shelter, which is about the same rate as in the United Kingdom. Scotland, in a somewhat bizarre expression of rugged individualism, has zero homelessness as they simply refer to it as “camping.” In the United States, 38% of those seeking shelter have some form of mental illness, and over 60% are minority men.
Mr. Holman plans on addressing additional topics during his 3 hour rant which include: the conspiracy of red playing cards, the menace of bookshelves, “the man” trying to kill him, those goddamn bananas, people from Penn Valley, collapsed drinking straws, and papers, papers everywhere.
Reaction from the community was neutral.
“I see that guy out there all the time,” said Janet Williams of Cedar Ridge, CA. “Most of the time I just ignore him and hope he doesn’t jaywalk out in front of me. But I did notice him today waving his arms.”
Although Mr. Holman plans on shouting at all vehicles that pass him during his 90 minute protest, he noted he will target his angst at 1st generation Priuses and minivans missing hub caps. Mr. Holman has already begun preparations for this. Today, he plans on working into the night making a bowl of Kraft macaroni and cheese, which he said he will bring with him and throw into the street, handfuls at a time. He has also set aside his lucky rope and a cedar branch for the occasion.
“I’ve got this all planned out,” said Mr. Holman rummaging through a stack of crumpled notebook paper in his left pocket, “but it’s important that I leave room in my hydrant talk for whatever comes into my mind. Like, if a large SUV drives by I might yell, ‘Hey, did you get that in your divorce settlement? Must be nice!'”
Gish Gallop plans a follow-up interview with Mr. Holman after the conclusion of his fight.