Penn Valley, CA — An area man claims that he can defeat Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL), also known as Islamic State of Iraq and Syria or ISIS, with various pork products and goat sex. Trey Collins has grown tired of what he perceives as a lack of action by the United States government in dealing with the growing ISIS menace.
“I am angry that our Moslem [sic] President is doing nothing about ISIS,” exclaimed an irate Mr. Collins in an anti-ISIS and arguably bigoted Facebook group. “And I don’t have to say why that is. However I have a simple solution for their evils, and that involves showering them with raw pork and flooding them with goats. They really like goats.”
According to Islam’s Holy Book, the Quran, the consumption of pigs is prohibited, much like it is in Judaism and Seventh-day Adventists, as well as a few other Christian sects. The reasons vary, but generally pigs are considered unclean and unholy. For some, this food restriction supplies them with a source of bigotry, and interestingly, a potential Christian weapon.
In his detailed, 2-point plan, Mr. Collins says ordinary God-fearing Americans need to band together and create a GoFundMe fundraising campaign. The monies from that activity will be used to rent one dozen airplanes which will drop approximately 47.3 metric tons of raw pork into Northern Iraq and Syria. Also, according to Mr. Collins, the mission will truck-in 12,654 goats that ISIS men can have sex with, thereby distracting them from their terrorists activities.
“Look, they’re going to be too busy avoiding falling pork and having goat sex to do their beheadings and whatnot,” continued an earnest Mr. Collins. “This will weaken their resolve to allow the weakling Iraqi army to finally get the upper hand.”
Not everyone is convinced that Mr. Collins’ plan is achievable, nor should it even be considered.
“This is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard of,” said Berkeley Divinity Professor James Badwater. “It just goes to show you how ignorant we’ve become. And also how Social Media tends to amplify the stupid to excruciating noise levels. The sad thing is, many people agree with this cretin.”
As for Mr. Collins, he’s moving forward with his pork and goat campaign.
“Somebody has to do it and stop appeasing these goat lovers like [former British Prime Minister Neville] Chamberlain did with Hitler,” continued Mr. Collins. “And I know there are thousands of Americans just like me who think this is a good idea.”