Grass Valley, CA — A Grass Valley man, fed up with the GOP presidential frontrunners’ obsession with everyone else’s use of their own genitals, has said Friday that he is switching his party affiliation from Republican to Democrat.
Speaking in front of Riebe’s Auto Parts on Idaho-Maryland Road he said, “I am sick and tired of being told who I can, or should, let touch my dick,” stated Kevin Starr, distant nephew of the famed anti-Clinton attorney Ken Starr. He went on to say, “While I’m not gay, I think people have a right to their own choices, including who they sleep with. Anybody who doesn’t know me that is thinking about how I use my dick is most definitely a creeper, for sure. I am no longer a Republican, I am a Democrat. Keep the politics out of my pants.”
While the GOP has long had a bit of an obsession with matters of a sexual nature, we felt that maybe Kevin was acting too much like a one-issue voter.
“Not at all,” he replied, “I think that my private life, everyone’s private life, is somehow linked to the economy and, in a weird way, war and the like. I mean, just look at how they treat women in Afghanistan, and they’ve been very poor for a very long time. And at war.”
We asked him, after someone helped an old lady out of the nearby roundabout and the honking finally stopped, if that meant he was voting for Hillary Clinton, the Democratic front-runner.
“Not on your life, man. Do you not remember what her husband did with that Lewinsky chick when he was the President?” When asked who will get his vote, he said he’s keeping his eye on Lincoln Chafee, the extremely popular Republican-turned-Independent-turned-Democrat who has just entered the race.
“I mean I like everything that guy Bernie Sanders is saying but, he makes too much sense to really get elected. When it comes to the voting booth, people really won’t connect with a guy they really connect with. Chafee, I think, has promised to keep politics out of the bedroom. He just seems like a politician you can trust. Look, the guys on our money were boring, and he’s boring. Perfect choice to save this country.”
We thanked Mr. Kevin Starr for his time and valuable input and got the hell out of there.