Salem, OR — Salem beekeeper and self-proclaimed “erection enthusiast” Lorenzo Gooden has found a new way to ‘keep it up’: bee stings. Although the 34-year-old father of 2 doesn’t suffer from any issues in his nether regions, he’s always experimenting with new and creative ways to enhance male performance.
“It’s something I started in college after seeing Bob Dole doing advertisements for ED [erectile dysfunction]. I knew this is where I’d make my fortune.”
Mr. Gooden has over 420 patents for various treatments for ED. However, none have ever made it to medical clinical trials, and only two have attracted the interest of investors. He does most of his in-house testing on his younger brother Seth.
“Yeah, Seth is a good sport, although sometimes I get the feeling he doesn’t want help out. There has been a lot of trial and error,” continued Mr. Gooden. “There were the birch splints and coconut oil injections. That last one landed Seth in the hospital for a few days. And he wouldn’t talk to me for weeks after we tried out my patented cattle prod system. I called it jangle jolt.”
For his latest invention, Gooden has created what he calls a reverse bee suit. Instead of keeping the bees out, it keeps the bees in to maximize their stinging potential.
“I found that concentrating angry bees in the crotch area was key to increasing stings. And then from there, it’s hours of relief from all those performance issues. At least that’s how it worked on Seth.”
No investors have expressed interest in his latest discovery, but Mr. Gooden is confident he’s got a winner on his hands.