Area Man So Conservative, He Hates Himself

Laurent Ilzner, 48 of Celina, Ohio hates everyone, including himself.
Laurent Ilzner, 48 of Celina, Ohio hates everyone, including himself.

Celina, OH – In today’s world, politics is more than just ideals. Too some, it has become a way of life. Some people have gone so far to the extreme left or right, they have completely lost sense of themselves.

One such person is Laurent Ilzner, 48 of Celina, Ohio. Laurent is a self-described ‘hardcore’ conservative and an avid Trump supporter. Laurent spends most of his day enraged by other’s political beliefs, which he feel’s is inferior to his own.

Malice, anger and occasional violence have become the norm for Laurent to express his feeling’s toward those whom he feel’s superior to. In Laurent’s mind, he is the only superior mind, he hates others who have different opinions as well as those who look different. He’s so conservative, he even hate’s himself.

In simpler times, it was Liberals prone to such self-hatred. Now the phenomena has spread to conservatives. In a recent conversation with Laurent, the angry Celina resident departed on a tangent demonstrating how much he hates himself.

He Really Does Hate Himself

“I cannot stand these liberal morons, they just want to take, take, take from the government,” Laurent said. “They’re inferior mind’s cannot comprehend why they are wrong. I cannot stand myself for being right all the time, having such a superior mind is difficult and annoying.”

Laurent is a regular on several Facebook pages where he righteously “sets the facts straight” with inferior “libtards.” He says he takes frequent breaks from the computer to urinate, claiming that his prostate issues make it difficult to urinate, however his enemies claim it’s due to his “micro penis.” He usually returns to the computer, according to several Facebook users,  ever more enraged having accidentally urinated on himself.

Mr.  Ilzner typically screams at the computer, according to his wife in an awkwardly high voice. His the neighbors have called the police believing a woman is being attacked.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.