Area Man To Lawfully Wed The Constitution

Brock Whalen says that if "the gays" can get married, he can marry the United States Constitution.
Brock Whalen says that if “the gays” can get married, he can marry the United States Constitution.

Penn Valley, CA — Area community activist, Tea Party member and formerly overly enthusiastic Glenn Beck supporter Brock Whalen announced on his website that he plans on lawfully wedding the United States Constitution. Mr. Whalen is the sole proprietor of bringbackbeck.com, a website dedicated to bringing Glenn Beck back to speak in Nevada County, even though the controversial public figure has never visited the area.

“It is my right as an American to lawfully wed our most sacred, god-given document,” noted Mr. Whalen on his website. “If the gays can get married, then I should be able to marry the Constitution. Before my witnesses I vow to love it and care for it as long as we both shall live. I take you with all of your faults, which are few, and your strengths, as I offer myself to you with all of my faults and strengths.”

Mr. Whalen, who has been active in the Penn Valley political scene, recently served on the Park Commission after a failed run for the Nevada County Board of Supervisors. He has been married three times, but believes that this Constitutional matrimony is a bond that no one, including Liberals, can break.

“Look,” said Mr. Whalen in a telephone interview from his Lake Wildwood home, “think about it. OK? The Constitution has been around over 200 years. That’s a lot longer than most marriages. So that means something. And to me, that means it means something really sacred. Like the Bible, which I also considered marrying until my pastor said it wasn’t such a good idea.”

Not everyone is supportive of Mr. Whalen’s decision to wed the Constitution.

“If we allow people to simply marry the people’s documents,” shouted community activist Sairhra Ramun in front of the New York Hotel in downtown Nevada City, “then the way our laws are currently written, doesn’t that make the Constitution his personal property? Think people. Think. Do we want this unhinged lunatic controlling this nation’s most important document? I think not. And you should think not too.”

Local Green party leader, former candidate, and generally nice guy Derrick Packard didn’t mince his words.

“Why should he be the one to enjoy the benefits of marrying the Constitution?” Commented Mr. Packard in a Facebook post. “Too little too late. Large transnational corporations are a cancer to us all. They are the ones who own the Constitution now. The regressives can’t seem to grasp anything outside the propaganda of the establishment of the our nation and increasingly the establishment of the international corporate one-world government. They have chosen the R team in this two-team league that represents one boss, and it isn’t the American people. The D team is the problem with everything and the R team is the answer to everything.”

As for Brock Whalen, he’s taking the criticism in stride.

“I don’t let these libtards get to me,” continued a stern Mr. Whalen. “I mean, think about what they’ve added to this great country? Answer? Nothing. All they do is take. But it’s people like me who are the builders. The makers who not only have created this great, exceptional country, but also defend it so people like these Liberals can enjoy their comfy lives and complain about doers like me.”

According to sources close to Mr. Whalen, he plans on holding the wedding ceremony sometime near Valentine’s Day along the shores of Lake Wildwood. The ceremony will be open to the public, but participants are reminded to obey the 20MPH speed limit when traveling through the fortified, gated community.

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