Grass Valley, CA — A local pastor had a bit of a scare recently when he dropped dead of a heart attack. First responders were unable to revive him at the scene, and a defibrillator had zero impact as he was completely dead.
“We did all that we could,” said EMT Edwin Cornwallis, of Grass Valley, California. “Brett (Edwin’s fellow EMT) was pounding on his chest to try to revive him, well, doing CPR, but that’s what it looks like.”
As the ambulance made its way to Sierra Nevada Hospital, the situation looked grim.
“Pastor Preston had been dead–effectively brain-dead–for over fifteen minutes by the time he arrived at the hospital,” reasoned cardiologist Dr. Heaven. “He was never going to live again. But then the guy gasped, yelled ‘Holy shit!’ and passed out. But his heart had started beating again.”
We were able to speak to the Pastor four days after his death (which is often mistakenly referred to as a “near-death experience”).
“Reverend, did living through death confirm some of what you have known all along by preaching the gospel most of your life?”
“Hell, no,” explained the pastor, “I did meet God, don’t get me wrong, but the guy was like a spoiled millennial. You ever saw that kid in the Twilight Zone movie who can do anything he wants? God was like that. After how many years of being God, the guy still has an ego about it.”
“Okay, we have heard that from others retelling similar experiences. Did you learn anything from your temporary cadaver status that may interest us?”
“Well, it’s cold and people stick things up your ass without your permission,” said the concerned pastor. “Not sure what that’s about.”
“And what’s this about you now being an atheist?”
“Well, I’m not sure you can be an atheist if you’ve actually seen God,” continued Pastor Preston, “but I’m telling you I don’t want anything to do with this anymore. None whatsoever. I should have listened to my father and been a plumber, you know? But no, I had to get closer to God and all that crap. Well, I have, and it’s not good.”
“What about all the people who follow the Christian lifestyle?”
“I’m not going to tell anyone what to do. I mean, that’s their choice. And as I already told you, there is a God so all that faith and fighting doubt crap are out the window. I’m just saying it’s not worth it. We all have that know-it-all brother-in-law who thinks he knows more than you. Well, that’s God. Not really pleasant if you ask me.”
“Thank you for your time.”
“Yeah, whatever. Best of luck.”