Weed, CA — Local starlet, writer and producer Heather Donahue has successfully removed Mount Shasta from the landscape as part of her upcoming television program. At a cost of over 145.7 billion dollars, many are questioning the wisdom of removing an entire mountain for the purposes of entertainment. Ms. Donahue, who’s been an open critic of Mount Shasta maintains that this was not about a personal vendetta against the ancient volcano, but all a part of “doing what it takes for the shot.”
“This is about getting it right,” said Ms. Donahue in a Facebook post. “Thusly, we spared no expense in our endeavors. We are happy with the results.”
According to contractor plans obtained by Gish Gallop, the demolition crews started removing the iconic volcano in October of this year with a crew of over 137,000 workers, 13,490 pieces of heavy equipment and quite possibly nuclear weapons. Although one might expect surrounding towns to be outraged at the disappearance of their iconic mountain, that wasn’t the case. In fact, some saw this as a boost to the area’s chances at establishing their break-away State of Jefferson.
“God usually sends me a message using aliens to form crop circles on the ranch, and I use these signals as my main motivation for the upcoming week,” said State of Jefferson leader Mark Baird who was visibly excited and couldn’t wait to write the new State of Jefferson Constitution. “But this time it came in the form of a disappearing mountain. And the Bible says, ‘Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, “[g]o, throw yourself into the sea,” and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them,'” he said.
Others were more skeptical.
“Is this legal?” Questioned Weed resident Stephanie Beltstorm. “I mean, I know it wasn’t doing anything just sitting there, but can these Hollywood-types come in here and remove a whole mountain? I would expect this kind of behavior from Jerry Bruckheimer, I suppose. Where did they put all the dirt?”
It’s unclear at the time of this writing how Ms. Donahue plans on incorporating the removal of an entire mountain into her screenplay or if she truly did it to get even with the looming volcano. Even more unclear, is what residents plan on doing with the vacant spot after filming is completed sometime in 2016. However local Penn Valley political activist and Glenn Beck fan Brock Whalen had something to say about future possibilities.
“Look,” said Mr. Whalen from his lake Wildwood home, “it was just a hunk of rocks anyway. Progress means development, not some multicultural curriculum in our socialist school systems. There is nothing but opportunity now. Think of the possibilities. They could put a water slide park there. Or an Indian Gaming Casino. There is nothing but upside here.”
Filming is slated to begin in March for a still unnamed television episode.