Area Woman Has World’s First Tinfoil Scalp Implant

Carol Mist has successfully undergone surgery to insert a layer of tinfoil underneath her scalp. Seen here in front of Nevada City's famous Stone House.
Carol Mist has successfully undergone surgery to insert a layer of tinfoil underneath her scalp. Seen here in front of Nevada City’s famous Stone House.

Nevada City, CA — A local woman has made elective surgery history. Carol Mist has successfully undergone surgery to insert a layer of tinfoil underneath her scalp. Ms. Mist would often be scene around the area wearing a hat made of tinfoil and now she’s had the surgery to ease some of the ridicule she has received over the years.

Mist believes having the tinfoil insert will protect her from aliens, rogue cell phone towers, HAARP, Jehovah Witnesses and government mind control.

Mist, who claims to have been abducted by aliens as a child, spoke to Gish Gallop about her surgery.

“Well, it hasn’t all gone exactly to plan,” said Mist. “When someone uses a microwave near me I piss myself and forget who I’m for an hour. But I’m glad I did it.”

Mist’s woes did not stop there. She can no longer use a cell phone as the radiation caused the tinfoil to heat, catching her hair on fire. Fortunately a man walking nearby saw her spontaneously combust, and was able to douse the flames with his Starbucks frappuccino before Mist was severely injured.

Mist had to travel to Albuquerque to have the procedure done by Dr. Tim Armistice, a believer and alien abduction survivor.

“I believe that this is the only way to properly protect yourself in today’s world,” said Dr. Armistice. “I already have four more clients lined up for this procedure, I will make it on ‘Alex Jones Infowars’ if this keeps up!”

The process only takes two hours and costs as little as $300.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.
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