North San Juan, CA — Fresh off her self-proclaimed successes in treating autism with coconut oil, Merrilee Longshoes of North San Juan, CA has announced a new treatment option for Schizophrenia: Kombucha. Kombucha is any of a variety of preparations of fermented, lightly effervescent sweetened black or green tea drinks that are commonly used as functional beverages for their unsubstantiated health benefits. Kombucha is produced by fermenting tea using a “symbiotic ‘colony’ of bacteria and yeast” and quite possibly dog barf. It also tastes and smells like fermented ass wiped with a dirty gym sock.
“I’ve been giving Scoby and Dialectic, my two boys, Kombucha since they were toddlers,” said an earnest Ms. Longshoes, “and they don’t have schizophrenia. That’s all the proof and facts I need. So I figured I could add this to my list of treatments to help save the world.”
Kombucha has been promoted with claims that it can treat a wide variety of human illnesses including AIDS, cancer, and diabetes, and that it provides a number of other beneficial effects including antioxidant effects, stimulation of the immune system, boosting the libido, reversal of grey hair and most interestingly, a anti-oxidant chemtrail purifier. All of which are probably bullshit. However there are several documented adverse effects which include severe hepatic (liver) and renal (kidney) toxicity as well as metabolic acidosis, which the latter can lead to seizures and comas.
“People like to ‘glom’ onto treatments usually out of a feeling of helplessness,” said a UCSF nutrition researcher . “But there’s no magic bullet here. All of Kombucha’s proclaimed cures are unsubstantiated. And rather than addressing those gaps, some people like to attack the messenger. These are complex ailments that involve many factors and a variety of treatment options. However it’s clear that a healthy diet is good for everyone. So we recommend that.”
As for Ms. Longshoes, who is not a doctor and has no scientific training, she is undeterred by critics of her alternative methods.
“Big Pharma has it in its interests to keep us sick,” continued a confident Ms. Longshoes. “They aren’t interested in cures; there’s no money in that. That’s why I offer natural remedies to combat these fascist drug companies. I mean, wouldn’t you want a natural cure for Schizophrenia and not habitually taking anti-psychotics for the rest of your life? I think the choice is clear.”