Austin, TX — Following the theft of 100 brain specimens from University of Texas at Austin, the collective IQ of Texans dropped by 11.4 points to 91.6, announced researchers at the University of Wisconsin at Madison.
“We think somebody may have taken the brains, but we don’t know at all for sure,” psychology Professor Tim Schallert, co-curator of the collection, told the Austin American-Statesman after having his own IQ drop by 8 points.
After a successive chain of less than bright governors starting with former President George W. Bush, the bigger-than-life State known for its huge food portions, lax environmental regulations and the world’s most efficient state-sponsored executions has been losing IQ points since the 1990s. This latest brain-drain, which apparently included notorious clock tower sniper Charles Whitman, is a blow to the State’s efforts to raise the average IQ.
The Austin State Hospital had transferred the brains to the university about 28 years ago under a “temporary possession” agreement. Schallert said his psychology lab had room for only 100 brains, so the rest were moved to the basement of the university’s Animal Resources Center to preserve the State’s falling IQ. Else they would have just been destroyed.
Although curators at the Austin University suspect pranksters and collectors for the thievery, some have other concerns.
“This is clearly an effort by California to embarrass us,” said Dallas native Vick R. Hooks, III. “We’re taking their jobs, so they’re takin’ our brains.”
According to government officials, the State’s unofficial slogan “Don’t Mess with Texas” might have to be changed to “I like money. Do you like money too?”