Penn Valley, CA — Bystanders report seeing convoys of military vehicles transporting miles of concertina wire to Lake Wildwood. Already the locals are upset at this infringement upon their daily drive, Dale Best of North San Juan chimed in as soon as we questioned him.
“I was heading to Penn Valley Northridge wanting the famous ‘Penntucky Burger,'” noted a somewhat uneasy Mr. Best. “I spent a hot afternoon at Bridgeport with some friends. Anyhow, I did not expect to be delayed by a billion trucks!”
According to the passengers in his vehicle, who were all a little “foggy” after an afternoon at the river, Mr. Best was passing on the double yellows and furiously honking his horn at the trucks transporting the wire.
“I like to get places in a hurry, and all of us were starving! I was in no mood for games,” continued Mr. Best.
A local spotted Mr. Best displaying his driving habits and was wondering what all the fuss was about. John Boyd of Penn Valley was just leaving Lake Wildwood, after assisting someone who needed help with their fax machine, when he saw a car veer into his lane.
“I was daydreaming to myself,” pondered Mr. Boyd in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “‘Who uses a fax machine now a days when we have email and smart phones?’ when all of a sudden I had to dodge this crazy person coming into my lane.”
There were no reported injuries.
This added measure of security was proposed to the Lake Wildwood housing association and the board of directors by Retired US Army Colonel, Jack Ripper.
“We need to keep our water and our houses safe!” Exclaimed an irate Colonel Ripper. “No more outsiders should be allowed in, stealing our water as we sleep!” The deranged Col. Ripper often had moments of insecurity due to his constant viewing of Fox News and reading the National Enquirer at the check stand of the local Holiday Market. “With the drought coming and possibly worse, Lake Wildwood needs to enhance its security! Tighten the perimeter! And prepare for the possibility of Martial Law coming to Nevada County! What a better way than to contact the government head first and have them distribute some concertina wire for us!”
According to sources, Lake Wildwood may serve as a FOB, or “Forward Operating Base” during the planned JADE HELM operations in Nevada County.
“Why else would they so eagerly agree to transport what appears to be a billion miles of concertina wire,” questioned a Lake Wildwood resident who demanded she remain anonymous for fear of reprisal. “They’re supplying Lake Wildwood security with military uniforms, and weapons? Think about it.”