Baltimore, MD — Donald Trump is resting comfortably at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Maryland following his successful penis enlargement surgery in a three-hour procedure performed yesterday by neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson, his former opponent in the Republican Presidential primary race.
Emerging from the operating room following Trump’s transfer into the hospital’s post-operative care unit, Dr. Carson spoke at length to reporters and described the sequence of events that led to Trump’s decision to undertake the procedure. Carson explained softly that while at the outset it might seem unusual for a renowned neurosurgeon to undertake penis enlargement surgery, it actually made a lot of sense under the circumstances.
“At a recent debate, Marco was going on about the size of Donald’s hands and what that might mean for the scale of his other parts,” announced Dr. Carson who removed his latex gloves as he entered the hospital lobby packed with media representatives. “You know, the ones that God blessed men with to go out for the purposes of procreation. Anyway, before I agreed to endorse Donald, I wanted to make sure that he was up to the job, you know, that his privates were of ‘presidential stature.’ Donald said that he wanted to be the biggest ever, and told me that if I agreed to operate, he would appoint me as Surgeon General. That was an offer I couldn’t refuse, because frankly, being Surgeon General will be a cushy job in the Trump Presidency, as efforts to improve the health of Americans will be pretty nonexistent.”
Responding to a flurry of questions from reporters about his lack of qualifications to perform penis enlargement surgery, Carson responded, “well, I am certainly more qualified to be operating on penises than to be President of the United States, and that lack of qualification certainly didn’t stop me from seeking the Republican nomination, did it?”
Carson went on to explain that during a meeting held last week to discuss a possible Trump endorsement, Trump remarked that the Carson endorsement was great, but he needed “something else from the former Presidential candidate.” Trump then told him that he needed to have the largest penis among the candidates to convince a sufficient number of undecided delegates to support his nomination at the Republican convention.
Carson reported that while he was initially reluctant, he did agree to conduct a physical examination of Trump, and that his examination revealed something amazing and unprecedented in medical literature.
“When I examined his genitals, I discovered that the majority of Trump’s neurons were centered in his penis, instead of in his brain,” Dr. Carson continued. “I felt very comfortable performing this operation, because I am after all, a neurosurgeon. The procedure was very similar to operations I have commonly performed on brains throughout my medical career. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought I was operating in his head, not in his groin. They looked very much same once I started cutting.”
When asked about the implication of this procedure, Dr. Carson was diplomatic.
“I expect that when word gets out about this operation, Ted will be knocking at my operating room door begging for the same thing,” said a grinning Dr. Carson as the camera shutter noise almost overwhelmed the soft-spoken doctor. “If he promises me that I will be his Vice President, I just might do it. Republican voters will just eat this up. I’m thinking that this will spread like wildfire, and that I could make a whole career out of enlarging Republican penises if the Surgeon General gig doesn’t pan out for me.
Reaching out to reporters from his hospital bed, a recovering Trump said, “I told you that I was the biggest, and I am the biggest. This will make America great againthis will make America great again.”