Bernie Sanders: GOP Ramen Tariffs Hits Nation’s College Students Hardest

Frustrated starving students will have nothing to eat if the GOP tax plan goes through.
Frustrated starving students will have nothing to eat if the GOP tax plan goes through.

Washington D.C.- The new GOP Tax Reform Bill which was voted into law by the U.S.  House of Representatives on November, 28th 2017 has undergone many modifications to please both the public and Senate voters.  The bill has caught a lot of heat for having many hidden articles within it, such as:

  • Increasing taxes for those with student loans. The average monthly payment is up to $351 (the financing fees on a new Jeep Cherokee, or more than $4,200 a year) for borrowers between the ages of 20 and 30.  Estimated length of loan to now be 20-40 years to pay off the debts, leading to life long debt accrual.  Better start hoarding those dollar bills, kids.
  • Allowing churches to endorse political candidates, leaving open many opportunities for idiots with a purpose–the most dangerous kind–to impact global politics.
  • The elimination of  the New Markets Tax Credit, which allows investors to get a tax credit to partially offset their investments in distressed communities where the poverty rate is 20 percent or higher. The majority of the tax credit’s funding has benefited communities with unemployment rates more than 1.5 times the national average and/or poverty rates of at least 30 percent.  This could potentially lead to more “ghettos,” gang violence, and Dollar General store locations that suck up low-income families incomes with lies about “low, low prices.”
  • A provision in the bill that would allow parents to buy 529 college savings plans for unborn children, which gives them legal status as people.  This modification will also allow the parent of the fetus/person to arrange marriages to other fetus/person(s).  Wait, what?
  • All Democrats will now have to legally register as “Peace Offenders” for being associated with liberal NGO’s that have ties to domestic terrorists “Antifa”, and communism.

While these articles in the Tax Reform are shocking, one of the more peculiar items hidden in the bill manipulates import tariffs from State Sponsors of Terrorism, and other competing nations such as Japan, and Germany.  The modification lets Congress decide the Import Duty Rates on goods imported to the United States, but it will allow Congress to re-evaluate the value of  imported goods.

One of the direct effects of this reform will be the gross increase in prices for items like soy sauce, pinto beans, bratwurst, and top ramen noodles.  The uproar about these price increases has been dubbed the, “Ramen Tax” by the Internet.  When grilled about the “Ramen Tax”, members of the House deflected the Press’s questions, all pointing the fingers at each other when finally Speaker of the House of Representatives, Paul Ryan simply stated, “We like money.”

Greg Gianforte working hard for the people of Montana.

Experts say that this is a bold move by the GOP as it will place a major choke-hold on imports to the United States.  It shows the global community exactly what America’s leaders want for its people (see: Nationalism), as the rest of the world pushes humanity towards tackling big issues such as global warming, world finances, war, slavery, clean energy, and the excessive amount of swastikas on Internet memes.

When word of the “Ramen Tariff” hit Bernie Sanders he just looked off into the distance, with a solitary tear rolling down his cheek.

Outrage consumes the geopolitical climate over this decision to give US Congress the power to change the prices of imported goods, as many nations see great profits from US Businesses buying their products.  The biggest voice of concern is heard from Koki Ando, The Father of Instant Noodles and CEO of Nissin Foods based in Japan.  [Ando] expressed his concerns with us after we requested a transcript of his opinion of this reform to International Trade.

“Nissin Foods was founded to be a solution to a food shortage crisis after World War Two.  We pride ourselves in having been a step forward towards a less hungry future.  In 1966 we innovated the way that the American noodle lovers can enjoy their favorite dish in a variety of flavors tailored for instant gratification, and sake of ease.  Now we are being held at financial gunpoint as this new law will increase the cost of Nissin Top Ramen noodles by 9,900% in percents!  Where once you were able to pick up a package of Chicken Flavor Top Ramen for $.50, the price for each individual package will now come up to a horrendous total of $50.00!  This is not what Nissin Foods stands for!  America needs to come together, and take care of their despicable leadership before they can see any progress.  Donald Trump is no leader.  He is a con man.  To go so far I will represent the world when I say this, ‘USA, please pull your head out of your ass.  We need you as you need us, the global community.  The only way to move forward is if we all work together.”

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