New York, NY — Bernie Sanders announced to a crowd of over 19,000 people at a campaign stop at NYU in New York City that when he is elected President, his first executive action will include a plan to convert America’s ancient imperial measures and units to the metric system. The announcement, which was largely ignored by mainstream media in favor of Donald Trump Twitter coverage, was cheered by thousands of Millennials in attendance.
“There is too little discussion in Washington about how we need to join the rest of world,” said Senator Sanders raising his hands from the podium. “Almost no discussion about how we’re using an antiquated system of measures and numbers. And I intend to do something about this the first day I get into office. And that something is the metric system.”
After the announcement, the crowd swelled with cheers, one woman was moved to tears after hearing it.
“Oh my god. Finally,” said Cecelia Newell, a Nurse Practitioner and staunch Sanders supporter from Brooklyn who attended the Sanders rally. “All day long I have to work in the metric system. Then I have to switch my brain to imperial measurements when I make Stove Top Stuffing. It’s time for America to join other successful nations like in Europe. We need the metric system and we need it now.”
Although Senator Sanders didn’t outline his plan from the podium, his campaign manager Jeff Weaver did provide some details after the speech.
“Well, the first thing we’re going to do is take off where President Carter left off in the 1970s,” said a fast-talking Mr. Weaver. “There’s a strip of highway in Arizona where Carter switched out miles per hour to kilometers. Unfortunately that only lasted about 2 weeks when Carter’s opponents accused him of being soft on international relations. I believe Representative Stevens [Minority Whip Ted Stevens(AK)] then said something like ‘this is what would have happened if Hitler won.’ Anyhow, times have changed. And with the help of Canada’s Justin Trudeau, we hope to expedite this fundamental transformation of America.”
Gish Gallop reached out to a self-proclaimed “conspiracy” expert on all things “Bernie and metric and stuff” for his opinion on this development.
“We’re all down with that,” said North San Juan’s Skyy Wolford from his bunker buried in the Sierra Nevada Foothills. “I–we–I mean,” searching for his words, “I make all my purchases in grams, you know. Real medicine you know.”
According to Jeff Weaver, President Sanders plans on having all of America migrated to the metric system by 2022.
“We’re calling it ‘Bernie’s 2-year plan,'” continued Mr Weaver. “We have several other such plans, some varying from three to eight years. But we think this one’s a winner out of the gate.