Bernie Sanders: Trump, Clinton, Obama Conspiring Against America

Bernie Sanders is claiming that there is a conspiracy to drive the country into disaster.
Bernie Sanders is claiming that there is a conspiracy to drive the country into disaster.

Burlington, VT — Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is pulling out all the stops in a desperate bid to steal the nomination from rival Hillary Clinton. Sanders, a sitting Senator from Vermont, is claiming that there is a conspiracy, led by Obama, Clinton, and Trump, to drive the country into social and economic disaster.

Gish Gallop had the opportunity to sit down with Senator Sanders for a Skype interview to get the facts about the conspiracy.

“Just look around at what is happening in the country,” Sanders started. “There are wedges being driven between everybody. Sex wedges, race wedges, orientation wedges, political party wedges. Everyone is upset with everyone else. We are not having constructive debate. We are not having substantive debate. What we are having is intolerance and violence. This harmful discourse has been planned for some time by the “Infamous Three” people currently at the top of the political pyramid.”

“Are you saying that the president and the two major party nominees are working together to create problems with the electorate? That they are trying to alter the course of the election?” we asked.

“There aren’t going to be any elections!” Sanders shouted. “They have systematically put a plan in motion that will, in the long-term, allow them to subvert the will of the people and, ultimately, modify the constitution to give themselves supreme power.”

“That sounds a little far-fetched, senator. How in the world could that possibly even happen?” we asked.

“You want to know how it’s going to happen? I’ll tell you how it’s going to happen,” bellowed Sanders as a bubble of spit flew from his mouth. “There is huge division in America right now. There is a huge divide in both the Republican and Democrat parties. The animosity is so high, thanks to the Infamous Three, that both conventions are going to erupt into a nightmare of violence, instigated by the Infamous Three. It will be so bad, the president will declare martial law in Cleveland and Philadelphia to quell the violence. But the conventions are just the test model. They will study the video of the violence to determine the best way to proceed with their plot. The trick is, once the American people have been briefly exposed to martial law, they won’t think anything of it the next time the Infamous Three impose martial law again. By then, it will be too late! It’s exactly how Gaddafi did it in Libya back in ’69.”

“Are you saying that they are planning to overthrow the government?” Gish Gallop asked.

“That is exactly what I am saying,” Sanders blurted. “They have screwed the country up so bad, they have no way out. The economy will collapse very soon and leave us vulnerable to incursion. Turning the country into a military state might save the sovereignty of America, which the Infamous Three will divvy up between themselves, but the people will suffer greatly from starvation and violence. It will be Thunderdome!”

At this point, our interview was cut short as Jane Sanders entered the senator’s office with cookies and milk. We were ok with that, he was scaring us.

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Shady Grove
Shady Grove was born Eugene Wojohouski, May 9th, 1965, in Oyster Bay, Long Island, New York. As a young boy, he had a penchant for shiny objects and colorful stones. His claims of being able to look into the stones and see the future, as well a being able to find buried treasure, were met generally with great skepticism and an occasional tight wedgie. He attended Hicksville High School on Long Island where he excelled at spending the day locked in various school gym lockers, day dreaming, and organizing show tune ensembles with his friends… While in high school, he met his soul mate, Whimsy Goldblatt… After graduation, Eugene and Whimsy were wed in a civil ceremony and left New York for the sunshine and carefree shores of California… This pissed their parents off something awful… Eugene took a job at the docks in San Pedro, California, for a tuna canning company, while Whimsy waited tables in a longshoreman’s diner… Eugene soon earned a reputation as a “shady” character after swindling several of his coworkers with his treasure stones… One afternoon, Whimsy brought Eugene some lunch… They slipped into the canning plant for some privacy and while making passionate love on a suspended steel girder, Whimsy slipped and plunged 40 feet into the tuna steaming vat below… Eugene, fearing that he would lose his job, and maybe worse, did not report the incident to anyone… Whimsy became a small part of 10,000 cans of tuna… Eugene put the incident behind him, did a stint in the military, where he changed his name to Shady Grove, and then moved to San Francisco where he opened an open mic nightclub for poetry and show tunes… He later became a saucier at the posh Bourges Hotel and wrote a regular column for the “Bay Area Breeze”, a publication dedicated to the preservation of show tunes and those who love them…Though he never remarried, he has been in a long term partnership with a woman pretending to be a man, pretending to be a woman… He is now retired somewhere in Gold Country where he spends his time raising two puppies, boating in the cool waters, tending his herb garden, and writing freelance reports for several news agencies…
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