Philadelphia, PA — Bill Cosby surprised reporters today with his announcement at a press conference in Philadelphia that he will join the crowded field of contenders seeking the Republican Party’s nomination for President of the United States in the 2016 election. When he called the press conference for today, the media assumed that Cosby would be responding to the most recent allegations by the now over 50 women claiming that Cosby had drugged and raped them, so reporters were stunned by the actual subject of the press conference, his campaign announcement.
Cosby began the event by swaggering up to the stage and impersonating his famous “Fat Albert” character. His wife Camille then joined him at the podium, and the discussion suddenly turned political. Cosby joked about all of the negative media attention he has been receiving, noting that he had decided to make the best of it by using this adverse publicity to, as he said, “Leapfrog over Trump- a Trump Hump!” Cosby said that Trump’s recent popularity surge among the Republican voters had made him realize how Cosby’s own ill treatment of women could be used for political advantage on a national level. He noted that his campaign would also feature attacks on women, including his accusers, and that he had an advantage over Trump because Cosby’s own life had been filled with verbal and physical abuse of women long before Trump even started his misogynist remarks.
Cosby said, “you know, it’s obvious that Republican voters and hopefully all voters, don’t care about the bad things a candidate has done in his personal life. This is a way for me to get back in the spotlight and you never know, it might actually provide more opportunities for me to drug and rape women. I have even more name recognition than the Trumpster and saying bad things about women and name recognition are really making Trump the candidate to beat. Frankly, I’m a bit jealous of all of the attention his antics are getting, and I think I can make a few jokes about menstrual blood and blow him out of the water in the polls.”
Several members of the media asked Cosby why he felt he was qualified to be President, when he had never held elective office before or worked in government. Cosby again referenced Trump’s own lack of experience and said, “You know how I will conduct foreign policy? It’s just like my sex life, the same strategy for success. I’ll fly over to Germany in Air Force One and just slip German Chancellor Angela Merkel a Quaalude in her tea. When she wakes up, I’ll show her all the treaties she’s just signed, and we’ll just go from there. Hey, hey, hey, Angela Baby! Whatever relaxes her finger on the pen I’m slipping it to her!”
When a reporter asked whether Cosby would like to be drugged and coerced into doing something against Cosby’s will, Cosby replied that he had always held a double standard, and that was not a problem. He said, “Do as I say, not as I do-I’ve always lived by that credo, and I’m not changing now to suit the new ridiculous standards of political correctness. That may be my winning campaign slogan. That’s right, isn’t it Camille?” Mrs. Cosby nodded agreeably in response.
Cosby went on to tell reporters that in the upcoming debates, he would do stand-up comedy at the podium to distract voters from his lack of political experience. He said, “I can make better faces and dramatic gestures than any of the other Republican candidates, and I’ll talk about being pro-life and Israel and all of that other stuff that gets spewed out in those forums. I’m Bill Cosby, and I can out ‘Trump Trump’ at getting attention. That’s all it will take, and when nominated, if I’m going against that Hilary wench, I’ll save a Quaalude for her, too! I’ll have Fat Albert sit on her!” Cosby proceeded to improvise this scene, rubbing up against a female reporter and burping in her face.
A Fox News voter poll taken after the press conference showed that Cosby had already stolen a sizeable percentage of Trump’s former supporters and had gained a 98% favorability rating from Republican voters. While Cosby had lost many corporate endorsements as a result of his predatory actions toward women, significant new endorsements of Cosby followed his announcement. The most notable of them was pharmaceutical giant William Rohrer, the manufacturer of Quaaludes.