Redmond, WA — In what should not be a surprise for those that follow and study the secret Enlightenment-era society known as the Illuminati, Bill Gates admitted in a Microsoft memo that the reduction of the world’s population is linked to Microsoft’s free copy of Windows 10. The free copy of Windows 10 has been widely criticized by privacy experts for peering into the computer habits of its users.
“I love free anything,” said smug Pete Johnson of Cedar Ridge, CA. “If it’s free, I’m there. If there’s a free soda pop refill. I get one. So who cares if Windows 10 is spying on us to kill us? All I care about is if it works or not.”
The free, or as Microsoft prefers to call it, the “no-cost” Windows 10 upgrade started as a voluntary program that only required that customers consent to download it. Also, consumers agree to give up every last morsel of personal privacy to corporate America. And if you find yourself in the “if I’m not doing anything wrong/I ain’t got nothing to worry about” crowd, Microsoft can disable any pirated applications over even the entire operating system if they detect any illegal or pirated software.
However, the most concerning part of this no-cost upgrade is the built-in “bloatware” designed to eliminate as much as 98% of the planet’s population. The apps, which have diabolical names such as extermMay.exe and prepbeds.exe, were recently discovered by a Ukrainian hacker Alex Melnychuk and released via WikiLeaks this past month. Following the release of these reverse-engineered Windows 10 applications, Mr. Melnychuk has gone missing after telling his family he was going for a 30-minute bicycle ride.
“This is all a part of the plan to reduce populations to more sustainable levels,” said Microsoft spokeswoman Geneva K. Abrantes reading from a prepared statement. “It should come as no surprise to anyone paying attention that both Microsoft and the Gates Foundation have been working closely with our Bavarian headquarters to cut population stress on the planet. And what better ways to accomplish these goals than with the Gates Foundation’s extensive vaccination program, and a free copy of Windows 10?”
Not everyone will be eligible for the free upgrade, and there’s a reason for that.
“Of course not everyone is getting their upgrade for at no-cost,” continued Ms. Abrantes during the press conference after the announcement. “If a consumer doesn’t receive the invitation to upgrade, it can mean a few things.”
At this point, Ms. Abrantes raised her right hand to the press corps and pointed towards the ceiling with her index finger.
One. You’re a Mac User. Now I know what you’re thinking. Apple Fans are safe from the depopulation program. That’s not true. I’m here to report you’re in the first round.
Two. You are one of the surviving 2% of Earth’s human population. No need to upgrade. You will receive instructions shortly after the population program has completed.
Three. You don’t have automatic updates turned on, in which case your computer is probably a steaming pile of virus-infected goo. You will be eligible for a no-cost Windows 10 upgrade.
Four. You don’t have a computer, in which case, please purchase one, and you’ll be all set for your co-cost Windows upgrade.
As for what consumers should expect from their no-cost Windows 10 upgrade and their demise? Ms. Abrantes had this to say.
“We know there is a lot of anxiety about this change,” continued Ms. Abrantes, “but it’s a complete turn-key situation. First, you get the upgrade and install it. Then you’ll spend 27 minutes trying to figure out how to disable the Windows Metro tile interface. Then shortly after that, you’ll die. Please follow the on-screen instructions.”