Seattle, WA — Several Seattle billionaires took social media this past week to warn the American public that socialism is dangerous. The group, called the Galt Alliance, said it wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals from “moochers who don’t contribute to society.”
“We want to make it very clear that we honor the determination of the working classes,” said the Galt Alliance in Tweet earlier this week, “because without them, we wouldn’t be billionaires. It’s the moochers we all have to be worried about.”
The top wealthiest 1% possess 40% of the nation’s wealth, while the bottom 80% own only 7%. This has been exacerbated in recent years by recent tax reforms, which shifted even more wealth towards the country’s richest via tax breaks and stock buyback incentives that heavily favor the wealthy.
“We love debt and labor,” continued the Galt Alliance. “It’s what motivates us to earn and keeps you employed with us. You see, we are just like you. We get up every morning and put our pants on one leg at a time, just like you. Except our underwear is threaded with gold, and we have our tennis courts. Say, when you get a second, would you sweep number 4? We’re having a get together later on. Thanks.”
For their part, most Americans cherish their billionaire overlords.
“Hey, I’ve never worked for a poor person,” said Memphis construction worker and father of three Hensen Calberts. “I mean, they make their money just like I do. Well, except they make their money with money, while I make mine with my bad back. It’s the lazy libtards who don’t want to make an honest buck. I mean, I’ve earned my disability.”
For their part, when reached for comment, the Galt Alliance finally admitted that it didn’t care about the working classes.
“Look, all we care about is appeasing them. The last thing we need is some kind of revolution. Because we know where that leaves us. So we just have to convince them that it’s their idea to worship us and hate anyone who doesn’t look and act like them. It keeps their feeble minds busy and in debt.”