Palo Alto, CA — Researchers from the Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation and scientists working for the United States Department of Agriculture sounded the climate change alarm today, after releasing a 5-year study that predicts massive overgrowth of Cantaloupe melons in the nation’s landfills due to the accelerating effects of global climate change.
“So the data doesn’t lie,” said lead researcher Robert Colvin speaking from his Mountain View, CA home office. “There has been a great deal of attention paid to prescription drugs escaping into the environment and polluting our waterways and landfills, but not much attention has been paid to the millions of tons of cantaloupe melon seeds dumped into our trashes each year. Eventually, those seeds make it to our dumps. And with the onslaught of climate change, we have a real overgrowth on our hands here.”
According to USDA scientist Dr. Pamela Butler from the University of Kansas Cantaloupe Research Center, what may seem like an innocuous blooming has real impacts on the economy.
“Oh I’m sure there are people out there who are saying, ‘we just solved the planet’s food supply problems,'” said Dr. Butler, “but I can tell you, cantaloupe plants can cause more trouble than you might think. For one, they’re very hearty and tangle up expensive landfill equipment, sometimes for days. But more importantly, no one wants to go out and harvest, let alone eat, fruit that’s been grown in potentially toxic soil.”
Adding to this dilemma, Dr. Butler points out we wouldn’t be discussing this “Canta-Apocalypse” if it wasn’t for runaway climate change.
“See, that’s the thing,” continued Dr. Butler, “cantaloupes are an indicator specifies for this kind of thing. I can guarantee you that many more menacing fruits and vegetables are coming to clog a landfill near you soon. Very soon.”
The Trump Administration had no official response, however, President Trump tweeted that this was another example of making America great again. The tweet was deleted within several minutes.