Blackwater To Provide Security For Local Electronics Company

“If it’s good enough to provide stability to the Iraqi people, it’s good enough to secure our quantum electronic inventory.”

Grass Valley, CA— An area high-tech business has hired the security firm Blackwater to protect its assets and inventory that can no longer fit within the secure perimeters of the company’s property. Blackwater attained its first high-profile contract when it received a $27.7 million no-bid contract for guarding the head of the Coalition Provisional Authority, L. Paul Bremer. Guarding the assets of this local high-tech firm will require a war-like vigilance that only a veteran organization like Blackwater can accomplish.

A Blackwater security guard on scene in Grass Valley, Carson Hellengon, assigned to this high-tech facility for security purposes, tells Gish Gallop in an on location interview, “First off, I don’t work for Blackwater. I work for Xe, I think. Second off, each one of these little doodads,” pointing to some tiny electronics stuff stored in the parking lot on Crown Point Circle in Grass Valley. “It’s worth $29,000 each. People could steal this and sell it on Ebay, if they had some clue what it does. I ain’t gonna’ just walk away from this kind of important duty.”

He demonstrated his dedication to the job by pointing his AR-15 at the roof of the facility, as if there were a sniper up there.

Blackwater is best known for changing its name to Xe to avoid some kind of scandal. It later had to unscandalize itself again, changing its name to Academi. The company has gone through many name changes, as well as ownership changes.

A representative, who chose to remain anonymous, from the local high-tech company has refused to comment on the fact that the business has, perhaps, outgrown the industrial building in which it now resides, stating, “I think this (hiring the firm that kept Fallujah safe in 2005) may be a good interim solution to our need for asset protection, inventory retention, and space management.”

Blackwater employees seen here training with a representative of the local electronics company.
Blackwater employees seen here training with a representative of the local electronics company. We bet you can guess which one he is.

Since June 2004, Blackwater has been paid more than $320 million out of a $1 billion, five-year State Department budget for the Worldwide Personal Protective Service (Xe, Greystone, or some shit), which protects U.S. officials and some foreign officials in conflict zones.

The local high-tech company has reached out to Gish Gallop to explain.

In an online interview, via Facebook, Ann Meserly, the local representative who two paragraphs ago wanted to remain anonymous, stated, “If it’s good enough to provide stability to the Iraqi people, it’s good enough to secure our quantum electronic inventory.”

As of the time of this writing, no electronics have been killed or stolen anywhere on Crown Point Circle, or indeed anywhere in Nevada County, since Erik Prince’s Greystone, better known as Blackwater, or Xe, took over security at whatever the fuck anonymous company it is I’m reporting on.

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Since no local company name is given, I’m guessing this is a joke?