Breaking: Obama Responsible For Blizzard

 

Obama giving 'the signal'
Obama giving ‘the signal’

Washington D.C. — This weekend, over two feet of snow will blanket the Mid-Atlantic, including Washington DC. Nearly Sixty million people will be affected by the storm. Conspiracy expert Frank Carson claims to have proof that this storm is not natural. In a phone interview, Frank spoke to us from his Mother’s basement in an undisclosed location somewhere near Hoboken, New Jersey.

He  told Gish Gallop, “It is the work of Obama. He commanded HAARP to create the blizzard!” We asked Frank what proof he had. He pointed out that “Obama gave out code words during his radio address, he said ‘Washington is gridlocked’.”

Frank hising from HAARP
Frank hiding from HAARP

HAARP stands for stands for High-frequency Active Auroral Research Program. It is said to be able to affect global weather patterns and possess the power to create storms of great magnitude. And blizzards.

We asked Frank if he had any other proof. “My hat (tinfoil), has been tingling like crazy lately, I’m telling you, they are trying to test FEMA’s camps with this storm!”. Frank has a metal plate in his head from an unfortunate moose attack in which he was bitten several times in the head by a moose.

We are not sure if Frank’s Mother knew he was talking to us.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.