Brief: Tinfoil Hats No Longer Effective

The Tin Foil Hat Society is in trouble.
The Tin Foil Hat Society is in trouble. Source: Youtube

Earth, the third rock from the Sun — Groups of conspiracy theorists and alien watchers have used tinfoil hats to repel both government broadcasts and alien brain waves. Scientists are now finding them to no longer be an effective means of protection.

Gish Gallop spoke with Dr. Louis Kahn of Sierra Community College. We asked Dr. Kahn how they found the tin foil hats to be ineffective.

“Well, groups have become increasingly agitated, to the point of supporting Donald Trump,” said Dr. Kahn during a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “The brain waves from his hair have become nearly unstoppable, millions are already affected and are losing IQ points daily”.

When asked how those waves are being stopped, Dr. Kahn replied, “toilet paper and Saran Wrap. Odd combination I know, but it is proven to be especially effective at stopping bullshit. Toilet paper must be placed on the head and held tight by wrapping Saran Wrapâ„¢ around the head, it is the only proven way to combat the brain waves.”

We asked Dr. Kahn if it still stopped alien brain waves. Dr. Kahn’s eyes glazed and glossed over when he said that, “there are no alien brain waves in existence, there is no need to worry”.

Local conspiracy theorists have been spotted at local markets purchasing large amounts of toilet paper and Saran Wrap. This has lead paper industry experts to caution that this unexpected spike in toilet paper purchases could impact supplies and prices nation-wide. Could a toilet paper shortage be on the horizon?

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Grumpy Guy
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Grumpy Guy

You need a full body, airtight Faraday Cage. And don’t crack the seal, no matter how dizzy you feel. That’s how the Reptoid masters get control.

Steve Taylor
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Steve Taylor

*Glazed over, not glossed over. (You’re welcome.)

Webmaster Tim
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“Glossed” is a Ohio regionalism. Don’t hate on Ohio. However, as a token of appreciation, we included yours as well.

Steve Taylor
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Steve Taylor

🙂

Cleveland Sam
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Cleveland Sam

But you still understood what I meant, does it matter?

Besides you NEVER correct a man who wears a cape!

Steve Taylor
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Steve Taylor

Don’t try to gloss over an error just because you wear heroic apparel. 😉