Beverly Hills, CA — Playboy Enterprises, parent of the popular men’s magazine Playboy, announced that Bristol Palin will be featured in its last “frontal” issue in September. The Magazine, which recently announced that it planned to halt pictorials of nude models, said the Palin issue will allow the publication to “go out with a bang.”

“When we made our decision in 2019 to stop nudity, we wanted to make sure that we did it the right way,” said Playboy Enterprises CEO Scott Flanders. “And what better way to honor Playboy’s almost 65-year tradition than to have Bristol Palin pose for our last issue. Everyone is very excited about this development and we believe this will be the highest circulation in the magazine’s history.”

Details are slim at the moment, but according to Southern California insiders the Palin family, particularly Bristol, have been having financial issues since breadwinner Sarah has dramatically stumbled at recent speaking engagements. Many have speculated that the elder Palin has some brain issue or perhaps a substance abuse problem of some sort given her erratic and nonsensical ramblings most recently at a Donald Trump rally.

After the announcement, Sarah Palin spoke to the press from her Wasilla, Alaska home.

“Now, finally friends, I want you to try to picture this, it’s a nice thing to picture. Exactly one month from tomorrow: Bristol Palin centerfold. She packs up her the selfie-sticks, and the Greek columns we have here in the yard, and America will finally get all that real hopey, changey stuff and she heads on to California, where I’m sure she can find that what she is looking for,” said Sarah Palin seeming somewhat confused changing her message blending in hawkish rhetoric.

A pre-release cover of the Bristol edition provided by Playboy Enterprises. (click for full cover)

“Come on. Enemies, who would utterly annihilate America, they who’d obviously have information on plots against us? Oh, but you can’t offend them, can’t make them feel uncomfortable, not even a smidgen. Well, if I were in charge, they would know that waterboarding is how we’d baptize terrorists.”

When asked to clarify what she meant by including terrorism in her comments about her daughter, Palin bristled, we think.

“Oh you’re not gonna get me with your gotcha questions, lamestream media,” continued Ms. Palin. “We have some serious issues in this country that we need to get workin’ on. We need to get our noodles cooking on it if you know what I mean and I’m sure you don’t lamers. I mean, we abolished slavery and got Obama. What’s next? We ignore immigration laws and get a Latin President? I betcha haven’t thought of that, have you?”

As for Bristol Palin, she had no comment about the photoshoot.

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The best part of this satire piece is Bristol would NEVER do anything trashy.

And also the funniest part of it, Levi J almost lost all custody of his son due to his sister’s slanderous playboy article showcasing herself as pure trash.

Bristol is WAY too moral for playboy.

Douglas Ivison
Douglas Ivison

The Donald is often just as random (and I’ll bet she’s trying to copy him)… but he gets away with it, because he’s better at it.