Brooklyn Grocery Squad Pushes for Grocery Store Express Lane Item Reduction


Brooklyn, New York — The Brooklyn Grocery Reduction Office State Squad (or G.R.O.S.S) formally announced today on Independence Day, that they have enough votes to demand all grocery stores in Brooklyn reduce the mandatory express lane limit from 10 to 3. They had originally sought 1.5 items (i.e. 6 eggs, or half a loaf of bread) but compromised on the 2-item number.

“It’s getting ridiculous with all the ‘inconsiderates’ who try to sneak 12 or make like they are old and blind and guilt the cashier into taking over 10 items. It’s wrong, not cool, illegal by all counts, and it shall be dealt with by state mandate,” said Todd Lamenutiss at a Fairway market in Brooklyn, ” If freedom means anything at the checkout, it means having the right to get out quick, with a tomato and a coconut water. Not a tomato, coconut water, diet coke six pack, half chicken, bananas,  olives, condoms, Advil, oranges, organic bananas, sriracha, cheese, and pâte. Enough!”

If G.R.O.S.S has its way they will make the reduction of the 10 item to 2 item express lane a nationwide movement.

“It will be a tough nut, and 5 cans of cat food, to crack”, commentated Brooklyn city council member William Inadaze, who opposes the measure. “How do you enforce this? You will have to have a city police officer or store security guard present. They [G.R.O.S.S.] want a summons written for $65 and an additional $5 an item tacked on to the perpetrator’s shopping bill. Imagine the old ladies in handcuffs who rolled 4 onions onto the express line conveyor belt!”

G.R.O.S.S. plans to lobby heavily to get the votes necessary for the measure to win. If they don’t, they will petition to lower the number of votes necessary to pass city measures, so city residents don’t have to wait behind red tape or a phalanx of grocery store conveyor-belt separators.

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