San Francisco, CA — In a move that many on the right have called ‘long overdue’, the Burning Man Festival will be officially changing its name to the Burning Person Festival in solidarity with the modern social justice movement and gender rights.

Burning Man is an annual festival that takes place in the middle of the desert.  Attendees build a city of art and music and then burn a big effigy at the end. We wanted to learn more about the name change and the decisions driving it.

“We just felt it was time,” explained Moon Howl, coordinator of the former Burning Man naming committee, “a time for a change, a time for art, a time to live out equality for all through art and music and, for those who are into it, other things.”

Those ‘other things’ leave no room for the right, specifically the alt-right.

“Yeah, we had tickets and a campsite and shit,” whines Jason Dant, of Grass Valley, CA, “but the moment we hung up our Obama lynching art, whoo boy! they shut us down. They didn’t like the arsenal we brung along either, but we were going to let anybody and everybody shoot at the range we were building. Even them naked glittery hippies.”

Mr. Dant gestured at the Burning Man crowd while screeching, “You folks think you’re all free?” – tears came to his beady eyes at this point as he screamed like a little girl – “you’re not. You’re not free!”



His stay in jail is likely to be brief, and that’s as it should be. This story isn’t about that racist ass anyway. It’s about how Mr. Dant spurred the Burning Man subcommittee on ethics to deliberate on enforcement when it comes to bad art and submit it upward to the central issue-naming committee.

“We’ve been aware,” remarks Moon Howl, as if you just poured him a cheap port, “that our festival’s name has been insensitive for 20 years. Hell, some of our founding members were trans-gendered individuals. We discussed it back in committee in 1996, but the transgenders didn’t want to be seen as ‘virtue signaling’ so we stuck with the name Burning Man instead of the gender-neutral Burning Person the right-wing is insisting on now.”

We explained that the right isn’t forcing the change on them, that it’s their own decision.

“I know that,” howled the Moon, “but them coming in with .50 caliber rifles and automatic handguns and hanging Obama effigies all over the place, we just knew we needed to wake up the ethics board. They advised that change has to start somewhere, and the easiest and most obvious would be to change the festival’s name to keep with the times. Take the first step, as it were.”

The move is not expected to change any of the features at the Burning Person Festival as the giant wooden structure that gets spectacularly incinerated every year is, by all appearances, gender-neutral – as are many of the attendees.

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