Caltech Scientist: Facebook Doesn’t Exist

Dr. Tral Aldrich of Caltech, with the help of Google engineer Ryan Wolford, announced that Facebook is a hoax.
Dr. Tral Aldrich of Caltech, with the help of Google engineer Ryan Wolford, announced that Facebook is a hoax.

Pasadena, CA — According to CalTech astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich, there is a distinct possibility that Facebook doesn’t exist the way we have come to understand it. Dr. Aldrich, who has written extensively on String Theory and alternative universes, maintains that what we see and perceive may not be real. In the case of Facebook, which has over 1.2 billion active users, The Caltech scientist maintains that the social media mega-giant seems to be a strange and ill-humored joke projected from another dimension.

“OK,” said Dr. Aldrich in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “I can’t take credit for this discovery, but I did work out the equations. There’s this computer scientist in Mountain View, California. His name is Ryan Wolford and he’s one of the lead engineers on their self-driving car project. They were having trouble with their cars getting stuck in roundabouts. He was working on an algorithm to fix that when he saw some data that really confused him. That’s when he contacted me.”

According to the study, which is under peer review by fellow Caltech professors, Facebook doesn’t exist at all in this dimension. More startling, is that it seems to be a prank being played out by what Dr. Aldrich calls “an extra-verse deity” who is manipulating the social media on what appears to be an old-fashioned bulletin board. Not the computer kind that was popularized in the 1990s, but the old-fashioned kind where you post the paper with thumbtacks.

“So that’s the part that is going to be the hardest thing for people to understand,” continued Dr. Aldrich. “And I know I had the hardest time coming to grips with it myself. But the math keeps telling us the same thing no matter how many times I refactor it. There is a multi-dimensional being manipulating what we think is Facebook for his, or hers I guess, screwed-up pleasure. From our perspective, it seems ridiculous to assert such a theory, but careful examination of Ryan Wolford’s data, along with my analysis, tells us that Facebook is simply not real and doesn’t exist. Doesn’t exist in this world, at least.”

Gish Gallop reached out to Ryan Wolford at his Potrero Hill apartment in San Francisco, California to find out how he stumbled upon this remarkable discovery.

Ryan Wolford first noticed strange data anomalies trying to fix a broken self-driving car algorithm.
Ryan Wolford of Google first noticed strange data anomalies trying to fix a broken self-driving car algorithm.

“So, I got assigned to fix what had become a huge embarrassment for Google,” said a disheveled and tired Mr. Wolford, “And it got assigned to me because I took one of our self-driving car prototypes out for a joy ride to see my brother in North San Juan [California]. After it got stuck in the roundabout for over 2 hours, my boss said I had to fix that issue as punishment for taking the car without asking. So I started on my ‘circle algorithm’ which iterated through billions of circle calculations looking for patterns. And that’s when my 1 exaFLOP rig started spitting out nonsense data. Well, it was nonsense at first.”

According to Mr. Wolford, the data made no sense at all when he first saw it. And he thought that his algorithm was broken until he started noticing prime numbers repeating at regular intervals.

“I didn’t know what to make of the primes,” continued Mr. Wolford, “but I know a pattern when I see one. So I contacted this scientist who’s been bugging my brother about his dreams. I figured he might be able to make sense of it. I didn’t hear back from him for over a month.”

When Mr. Wolford heard back from him, he was shocked at what he learned.

The Google self-driving car, seen here stuck in a Grass Valley, CA roundabout, that accidentally lead to the discovery.
The Google self-driving car, seen here stuck in a Grass Valley, CA roundabout, that accidentally led to the discovery.

“So basically this Caltech guy said my data had crazy implications for our understanding of reality,” said a mood-elevated Mr. Wolford who seemed confused by his own words. “He said, ‘Ryan, this might be one of the most important discoveries of our time.’ Or some strange thing like that. Anyhow, then he went on to talk about string theory and deities controlling everything like a board game or something. I was just hoping he’d help me with my roundabout problem.”

Dr. Aldrich’s discovery didn’t help Mr. Wolford with his self-driving car issues, but according to the Professor, it was the beginning of some kind of “Unified Field Theory” of multi-dimension existence. And it also vindicated his belief that the writings of famous time-traveler John Titor were correct.

“So this discovery simply means that we’re more than likely being controlled by something from another dimension,” Dr. Aldrich said as he anxiously flipped through his papers on his desk. “This coincides with what John Titor left for us in his diary.

In late 2000, a man surfaced on the Internet claiming to have traveled through time. The man, who came to be known as John Titor, alleged to have traveled from 2036 by using a time machine installed in a 1987 Chevrolet pickup truck. According to Mr. Titor, it was the first machine of its kind, produced and built by multinational conglomerate General Electric for the “Army” in 2034. On earlier Army missions, according to Titor, he traveled seeking an IBM 5100 microcomputer to “stop the mass destruction of the Earth’s biosphere.” However, on his most recent 2015 trip, he admitted that he just enjoyed time travel because the future was “ordinary and boring.” He also left details about inter-dimensional travel which skeptics referred to as “batshit crazy rantings.”

John Titor famously and accidentally caught in a 1950s photograph.
John Titor famously and accidentally caught time traveling in a 1950s photograph.

“For Titor, time travel wouldn’t be possible without these extra-dimensional spaces. And more importantly, the beings that inhabit them and use their powers to manipulate dimensions like ours,” continued Dr. Aldrich. “Titor also wrote that in one such dimension, which was to be avoided at all costs, there are deities who love to toy with humans. And one of their tools we know is Facebook. Before that there was television. And before that, there was radio. You get the picture. All not real. But now I have the data to back up what people used to call Titor’s lunatic fringe writings.”

As for what this means for the people of this dimension, and more importantly, people who use Facebook often, Dr. Aldrich did offer this advice.

“Just remember that there’s someone or something behind the scenes pulling the levers and pushing the buttons, so to speak,” said Dr. Aldrich whose tone suddenly became serious. “Next time you get into a stupid argument or see a cat meme or whatever, just remember that there’s someone or something getting a kick out of watching you freak out.”

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