Ottawa, Ontario — Tragedy has struck on a massive scale as the nation of Canada was found dead this morning of suicide. The U.N. is reporting that Canada was found suffocated in their sleep. Authorities are dumbfounded as Canada only left a one word note that said, “Sorry.”
The U.N. is asking the F.B.I. to investigate any links between Hillary Clinton and Canada. In several of Hillary’s emails found on Anthony Weiner’s computer, Hillary referred to Canadians as “Ice Jockeys” and “maple pussies.” She detailed her dealings with Canada while she served as Secretary of State, saying “if the fucking Canadians say sorry for something one more time, I will kill them all.”
Many Canadians who were traveling abroad are left without a home to return to. Canadian Mary Latourette spoke to Gish Gallop during her visit to Nevada City.
“I just don’t know what to do, everything I love is gone. Sorry.” Said Latourette. “Maybe I will just settle here, maybe I can work at the new restaurant coming to town. Sorry.”
Canadian band Nickelback has announced that they are alive as they were touring in Europe when Canada died.
Authorities have decided to wait until Spring to bury Canada as the ground has started to freeze.