Chipotle Caught Dumping E. Coli Infected Beef Into Lake Wildwood

The source of Lake Wildwood's E. coli troubles have been traced to Chipolte.
The source of Lake Wildwood’s E. coli troubles has been traced to Chipotle.

Lake Wildwood, CA — A late night patrol by a Lake Wildwood security vehicle caught employees of restaurant chain Chipotle Mexican Grill dumping approximately 200 lbs of ground beef near the spillway of the lake. Laboratory tests have confirmed the beef tested positive for multiple strains of Escherichia coli otherwise known as E. coli. This included the 0157: H7 strain that produces the Shiga toxin which is classified as a bioterrorism agent. The employees were detained and are currently being held at Wayne Brown Correctional Facility.

We were granted special access to the prisoners for a quick interview.

“Chipotle didn’t want another scare so we were ordered to make the infected meat disappear quick,” Jose told us while his eyes darted around the visiting area.

“We had a friend who wanted to go swimming at Lake Wildwood and they wouldn’t let him through the gates. They said he wasn’t on the list but he thought it was because of his brown skin. After that, he would rant about those “racist mother******s” so it was only natural for us to dump the beef there.” Jorge added as he checked the bottom of the table for gum or hidden weapons.

Local residents have expressed outrage over the incident and are waiting for the Lake to receive the all clear from daily testing. We found a local man parked on the spillway obviously in deep thought as he looked out upon the lake.

“I have to honest, this lake has been tarnished long before Chipotle dumped beef into it. When I was younger we used to watch turds come back up from the pipes running down to the waste treatment plant. I’m not sure what caused it but I have no doubt because one had a peanut in it.” Norm lamented while kicking a small stone into the water. We detected a smell from downstream that indeed smelled of human waste.

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Larry Ryder grew up in the upstate town of Saratoga Springs, New York. As a young boy he enjoyed licking the cream cheese off of bagels and throwing the remains at tourists. His father worked at the Naval Nuclear Base close by in Balston Spa. He snuck young Larry onto the base one day so Larry could press his face up to the viewing window for the reactor. This ignited Larry's interest in Nuclear Physics and after taking apart old smoke detectors to build a decay reactor he received a full scholarship to MIT where he received his Masters Degree in Nuclear Physics. Devoted to his job and wife Darleen, his world was shattered when she died after being folded up in a IKEA futon while taking a short nap induced by a large dose of mashed potatoes and meatballs. Completely devasted he quit his high paying job at 3 Mile Island shortly before the meltdown. All of his savings went into the purchase of an ice cream truck and customizations by a Los Angeles low rider shop. He can be now seen cruising the back streets of North San Juan selling his patented "Hempsicles" and nitrogen cooled "Trippin Dots". His reporting career started one fateful day when he started talking to fish down at the Middle Fork of the Yuba River. The fish promised him riches and maybe some friends if he started reporting the truth as he saw it. Larry and the fish ended up taking a trip upstream where they took turns riding down the Falls. Larry was most amused with the fish and decided to start his career as a freestyle reporter. Larry enjoys long walks in the Diggins and walking his imaginary dog, Freedo. He is currently single but still emotionally tender from his wife's death.