Chris Christie To Play Fat Bastard in Upcoming Austin Powers Film

PRESIDENT-FAT-BASTARDLas Vegas, NV — Former New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, has inked a deal with Lions Gate Entertainment to reprise his role as the less than lovable, Fat Bastard, in the upcoming Austin Powers prequel. The movie will delve into the beginnings of the International Man of Mystery.

I had the distinct opportunity to meet with Governor Christie at the Masquerade Village buffet at the Rio hotel in Las Vegas after the GOP debate. I congratulated him on the new movie deal and asked him if he thought it was a good idea to sign a movie deal in the middle of a presidential election run.

“Well, I think my chances of becoming the GOP nominee are about as good as the chances of anyone else getting to eat at this buffet by the time I am finished,” quipped Governor Christie. “So, in that respect, it does seem a good idea.”

“Speaking of the GOP race, do you think any of the GOP candidates have a chance to beat Hillary in the election?” I asked.

Governor Christie held up both hands, one paw filled with lobster tails, the other with cheeseburgers, and said, “I don’t really pay that much attention. Could you pass that trough of drawn butter?”

He began to sniff the air like a dog catching a scent, looked at me, smiled and said, "You smell like chicken!"
He began to sniff the air like a dog catching a scent, looked at me, smiled and said, “You smell like chicken!”

I passed the butter and watched him move about the table like a Tasmanian Devil, devouring everything in sight. “You seemed to be staring at Rand Paul quite a bit during the debate. What was that about?” I asked.

“Well, that boy’s got a purty mouth and he smells like chicken,” Christie answered.

“And the Donald, you seemed to let him off the hook in this debate. I mean, he has said some pretty silly things recently. Why didn’t you go after him?”

“Well, I have gotten to really know him these last few months. He really is a good guy and he means well. Plus, he smells like chicken,” replied the former governor. “Could you pass me those three pizzas, please?”

I was preparing to ask my next question when Carly Fiorina walked by. Governor Christie reached out and grabbed her and used her as a toothpick to clean the slabs of flesh from his teeth. He began to sniff the air like a dog catching a scent, looked at me, smiled and said, “You smell like chicken!”

As I sprinted from the Masquerade Village, I could hear him calling my name. I feel quite positive he will be in perfect shape when filming begins on the new movie.

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