Poughkeepsie, NY — Anton LaVey’s Church of Satan will appear at Daniel Patrick Moynihan U.S. Courthouse to appeal for a federal grant which will allow the Church to build a private daycare facility on church grounds. Peter H. Gilmore, High Priest of the Church of Satan described the push for the grant was inspired by Trinity Lutheran’s request for funds to build a playground on their property using government money.
“In these amazing times of freedom of religion we have decided to reach out and grab a hold of this opportunity while it’s still relevant,” said Reverend Gilmore speaking with the press shortly after the ruling. “If the Trinity Lutheran Church in Missouri can apply for a federal grant then that leaves so many doors open for any religious organization to apply for these same handouts.”
The Church of Satan is making an argument using the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment. But there are “moral” grounds according to Gilmore, as the Church serves a variety of people who deserve quality childcare.
“Satanists at our church have amazing families that attend our Black Masses weekly, and sometimes they get a little too messy for the children to attend,” continued Gilmore. “So what else to do than to offer free daycare to our attendees? These children are just as vulnerable and innocent as the Christian children. We already have an entire set list of Satanic Children’s music for ‘sing alongs’ and ideas for craft projects that the little devils can take home proudly,” he stated while pointing at a macaroni doodle of an upside-down goat head dripping what looked like blood represented with red glitter.
The Church of Satan’s team of lawyers are currently in preparation of this appeal by drawing pentagrams on the floor of the courtroom to be ready to wage Unholy War against the legalese necessary to get this grant approved. Attendees of the Church plan to be gathered at the Courthouse for support of their Master, Beelzebub.
Christian backlash has not yet been seen, but will be expected in droves on the day of the ruling.