Fairfax, VA — CIA operational agent Karen Bergman is regretting her recent assignment to spy on owners of Samsung Smart Televisions. The 13 year veteran of the nation’s chief spy agency says she’s seen things that can’t be unseen across America’s family and bedrooms.
“I took the job about three years ago as a part of the CIA’s new electronic counter-terrorism initiatives,” explained Ms. Bergman, ” because I wanted to be able to work from home, and this program allowed me to do that. My job was to monitor and document all suspicious activity. Most of the time, it was boring, but there were a few incidents that will forever be etched in my skull.”
Amid a trove of documents released by WikiLeaks that allegedly contains “the entire hacking capacity of the CIA” is chilling evidence that everyday devices like smart TVs and cell phones have potentially become critical tools in the effort to spy on American citizens. Among revelations still emerging from the shocking disclosure is an alleged CIA program named “Weeping Angel,” in which Samsung brand “smart” televisions were being used as recording devices. Ms. Bergman was part of a team of 70 individuals responsible for exploiting this technology.
According to work logs provided by her director, Ms. Bergman spent most of her time finding nothing of importance. As much as 96% of her reports are what you might expect: family members walking around the house, the occasional argument between siblings and yearly Super Bowl parties. However, there were several incidents she wishes she didn’t see.
“I had over 3,200 accounts to watch,” continued Ms. Bergman, “but it was the single men and their chronic video game playing that was the worst. They’d sit for days on their couches in their filthy underwear playing Grand Theft Auto, only stopping to eat and then masturbate. Jesus Christ, this country is doomed.”
As many as 3% of her “watched accounts” fell into the single chronic “masturbator” category.
“These guys didn’t work or something, but they sure masturbated a lot,” Ms. Bergman grimaced, seeming to note her own words. “I mean, that was it. GTA 5, pizza, and then masturbation. Like every hour or so. Oh, god, my eyes. I haven’t been able to eat pizza since.”
Along with unmarried, single, and chronic masturbators, Ms. Bergman complained about misbehaved children, neglected pets, and unattended teenage house parties.
“I know I was a teen once too, but there was this one party in California, where they destroyed the house. It took everything in not to call the parents, whom I knew were in a weekender in Half Moon Bay. So I just called the police. Anonymously, of course.”
The CIA offered no specific comment on Ms. Bergman’s experiences but did note that most of the Samsung surveillance, like most activities like this, yielded no intelligence because most Americans are incredibly dull and unimportant.